Pain
by SoCalSucks
Summary: WARNING:AU. Cindy's on a journey to find herself, but she meets a few unexpected people along the way. Can she forgive and forget? Or is she haunted forever? Note: The first chapter sucks. Read on for better writing.
1. Sucky Prologue

**Pain**

I stumbled home, everything covered in red haze. I blinked twice, trying to get rid of the odd color. _This is worse than all the other times..._

I pulled open the back door slowly, hoping desperately for my mother to stay asleep. _Stay asleep, Mom. Least you could do.._

Balancing precariously, I took one step at a time up to my room. Then I struggled to my bathroom, peeling off my bloodstained clothes and turning the water on, nice and hot.

When the mirror was fogged up enough so I couldn't see, I stepped into the shower, grimacing as the hot water hissed on my skin. My blood drained off of me, flowing over my arms and legs and torso down to the drain. I stuck my head under the shower head and relaxed as the water pounded, massaging my aching muscles.

* * *

After I got out of the shower, I walked up to the mirror, rubbing the fog away. Inside, a stranger stared at me. She had blond hair and sunken green eyes. Bruises dotted her neck and chest, all over her shoulders and arms. Cuts were scattered here and there, mostly on her torso.

I sighed. _He must've been really drunk..._

I held back tears and pulled on big baggy clothes, a turtleneck over my t-shirt. I couldn't risk anyone seeing those. I climbed into bed, pulling the covers all the way to my chin. My dreams will be filled with red haze tonight.

* * *

Truth is, my boyfriend, Nick, he gets drunk a lot and beats me. We're always in a farm, or in the forest, or at his house when his dad isn't home. I don't blame him though, he always apologizes after. And then he promises to never do it again. But he always does. I don't mind, he has a minor problem with alcohol, and I'd do anything to help. Even if helping means cowering in fear as he whips me with his belt, or when he's spreading hickies all over my body. I always go back. I always do. I don't know why, maybe I like it.

Maybe I like the pain.


	2. Drawing Jimmy

**This is just a drabble, so I have no idea how far it will go or if it will go anywhere at all. I don't mind if this story sucks, because I don't really know why I wrote it in the first place, hence the WARNING: DRABBLE thing...**

**P.S. No way is Miss Murder mine but AFI's, and I only used it because I was listening to it while I wrote this chapter.

* * *

**

**Pain  
Chapter 2**

I had detached myself from my friends. I had no more friends, only Nick. I only needed him anyway. Truthfully, I didn't care at all. Everything, no, nothing mattered to me anymore. I gave up on life, perhaps. I don't know. I'm just really confused with everything. I don't even know why I'm still living. Maybe it's so I can help Nick become less abusive. Maybe.

There's so many maybe's in life, and so many questions. There's always the why question. "Why do I let Nick beat me up?" Who knows? I don't, for sure. I just didn't care. I knew I changed drastically since I'd been little, since I was eleven. When I had always fought with Jimmy and hung out with Libby and her stupid boyfriend and that llama boy. But that's not me anymore. Personally, I don't think that was me before. Ever. Perhaps I'm just a fake person in this fake world. FAKE FAKE FAKE. I could always tell when someone was being fake and when someone had fake body parts, like that one lady that one dude almost married. I could so tell she had breast implants. And her lips were so fake. She had fillers in those. Then there's the hips. No one could have those hips naturally. No way in hell.

Well, there's no point in talking about people who are fake, since, well, it's kinda pointless. Everyone knows, in a little corner of their minds, that people are fake. It's just a fake world. It wasn't always fake though, people were honest back then...

"Hello, Miss Vortex? Could I please have your attention please?"

I looked up from my notebook where I had been drawing Nick's face and saw my Pre-Calc teacher. Yes, Pre-Calc. I'm a senior, and I'm taking Pre-Calc. Who cares.

I nodded slowly and felt my neck muscles tense up. Nick wasn't in this class.. He had Geometry. He's not exactly the sharpest needle in the haystack. Oh no, I said something bad about him... Crap. Well, it's not like he knows, it's just that I blame myself whenever I insult Nick. To me, he seemed perfect, absolutely perfect.

"Well, now that we have everyone's attention, please note that the project will be due in three weeks. Now, let's pair everyone up..."

I tuned his voice out, his stupid wheedling voice. I resumed drawing Nick's handsome little face on the margin of my notebook. Add a little shadowing there, a stray hair there... No, erase the stray hair, his hair has to be perfect. I added a final shadow under his ear and admired my handiwork.

"Excuse me, Miss Vortex, could I please have your attention again?"

Stupid teacher... Whatever. I nodded and stared at him, a fake smile plastered on my face.

"Well, now... Let's see... Cynthia Vortex with... Let's see... James Neutron."

I felt my whole body tense up, and then I turned my head to look at him. Neutron. My fifth grade sweetheart, my rival. He had changed. Blue eyes were the same, but his hair and clothes were different. His hair was more red than brown now, but it was a dark red, not a bright red... He was wearing regular clothes... A black t-shirt and blue jeans. Tight shirt, baggy jeans.

"Hi," he said to me. "So I guess we're partners now."

I nodded again and stared at his ear. Better to focus on something and pretend to be paying attention than not pay attention at all. His voice drifted in and out of my mind, something about going to the library after school to work on the project. I shook my head lightly and I heard a reply float in my left ear and out my right.

"Cindy?" I stared at his ear, concentrating even more. "Cindy? Are you there?"

I didn't reply, there was no need to. The bell rang just then, releasing me from this prison and straight into the arms of my prince in rotting armor. Dammit, not again. I'll have to punish myself tenfold for that...

"Hey hey hey, babe." Nick was standing outside the classroom, eyeing me with something in his eyes. I didn't care what it was, I was just relieved to see him.

Jimmy walked out of the classroom, right behind me, and he smiled. "See you after school, Cindy."

Nick glared at him and pressed me close to his chest. His warm breath on my cheek, he asked me, "What was that?"

I let out an eep and he sneered. Then he pulled me along the crowd and we flew out the doors to his pickup truck in the upperclassmen parking lot. I held onto my notebook nervously as he opened the passenger side door roughly.

I climbed in wordlessly, because I knew why he was like this. We were going to some secluded spot and he was going to beat me. Without being drunk. That meant he was really mad. Really really mad. I guess he thought I was doing something with Jimmy, because he's only done this once before. When I had refused to take my clothes off in front of him.

He drove in a rage to the dopers' barn on the outskirts of the town. I trembled, feeling tears well up in my eyes and clutching my notebook.

"You know you deserve this, right?" he exclaimed gruffly after a long stretch of silence. I nodded and looked out the window at the trees we were flying by.

"Look at me!" I looked at him. He was glaring at me, one hand on the wheel, a mad glint in his eyes. "Why was _Neutron_ talking to you?" He spat Jimmy's name, although I saw no reason to.

I continued trembling, unable to reply. Nick was used to this. I hardly spoke anymore. Mostly just nodding and shaking. He got tired of it sometimes and he beat me for it sometimes. It doesn't matter though...

He turned on the radio, and the song Miss Murder by AFI filled the truck.

_"Hey Miss Murder, can I  
Hey Miss Murder, can I  
Make beauty stay if I  
take my life?_

_With just a look they shook  
And heavens bowed before him.  
Simply a look can break your heart.  
The stars that pierce the sky,  
He left them all behind.  
We're left to wonder why  
He left us all behind._

_Hey Miss Murder, can I  
Hey Miss Murder, can I  
Make beauty stay if I  
take my life?_

_Dreams of his crash won't pass.  
Oh, how they all adored him.  
Beauty will last when spiraled down.  
The stars that mystified,  
he left them all behind  
and how his children cried.  
He left us all behind._

_Hey Miss Murder, can I  
Hey Miss Murder, can I  
Make beauty stay if I  
take my life?_

_What's the hook, the twist within this verbose mystery?  
I would gladly bet my life upon it  
that the ghost you love, your ray of light will fizzle out  
without hope.  
We're the empty set just floating through, wrapped in skin,  
ever searching for what we were promised...  
Reaching for that golden ring we'd never let go...  
Who would ever let us put their filthy hands upon it?_

_Hey Miss Murder, can I  
Hey Miss Murder, can I  
Make beauty stay if I  
take my life?_

_Hey Miss Murder, can I  
Hey Miss Murder, can I  
Make beauty stay if I  
take my life?"_

We were there. Nick switched off the radio and silence hung in the cabin. I peeked at him carefully, and he was resting his head on the steering wheel. He was always like this before it happened.

He looked up, saw me looking at him and grabbed my arm. He pulled me close to him, and then he kissed me. Shoving his tongue inside my mouth, his hands roamed free over my body. He always did this too.

Then he stopped abruptly, opening the door and coming to my side of the truck. He opened my door and pulled me out. I dropped my notebook on the seat, and it flew open to a page where I had drawn something.

I had drawn Jimmy.


	3. Art Class

**Pain  
Chapter 3**

Sex. Yes, a sensitive subject among all. What was it anyway? Hmm? Just a lot of pushing, sweating, and grunting if you ask me. It's not as if it's a huge deal, but everyone thought it was. I mean, guys were practically addicted to it, even the ones who've never done it before, and girls are all nervous about it. Well, that might be because they have a little bit more to worry about than boys...

"Cindy!"

I snapped out of my daze and looked up, a confused look probably on my face. Why is it that whenever I think about something that someone interrupts me?

"Where _were_ you yesterday?" It was Jimmy, fuming and shoving a bunch of papers in my face. What happened to him? His hair was sticking out everywhere, clumped in some places, and his shirt was on backwards. It kind of looked like he just got out of the loony-bin if you ask me.

"They're all the work for the project," he said, sitting down next to me and rubbing his eye. "I stayed up practically all night to finish it."

I fumbled through the papers and shrugged. His grumpy look disappeared and he smiled, flashing his brilliantly white teeth at me.

"Like it?"

I shrugged again. I wonder why he did all the work... Most people make me do all the work whenever they're paired with me since I was such a brain... But... He was different. Maybe it was because he was smarter than I was.

"Do you do this for all your project partners?" Wow, I'd actually spoken. And I'd wasted it on Jimmy. Well, maybe they're not wasted...

"Only with the ones I like," he replied with another smile. What's with him and smiling? He's too happy for me. But... I liked it.

I turned to my notebook, scribbling nonesense. I didn't want Jimmy to see me, not with my cheeks all inflamed... What, was I feeling something for _Jimmy_? No, not possible. It had to be because I haven't been around someone nice for so long... Yes, that's it. That has to be it.

Jimmy yawned and rumpled his hair so it was even more messy. Seeing me watch him, he smiled and winked. I turned away again and began drawing him. A dimple on his chin, exactly where Nick had a freckle, and a flopping mass of hair, styled not unlike Nick's. Why was I comparing him to Nick? Was there something special about him? No. There can't be. No way. Nick's the only special person. I reverted back to drawing Nick. I scribbled Jimmy's face away, but I could still see the imprint the face made on the page. I could see the twinkling eyes I drew, the hair...

"Are you drawing Nick?"

I was suddenly aware of the warm breath on my neck, the way my hair rising... The goose flesh on my arm. Had Jimmy watched me draw him too?

"Lemme see it, it's really good."

He made a grab at the notebook, my precious notebook. It was a notebook my dad had bought me on his random attempts at being nice. It had been my 13 birthday...

"No."

I had spoken again. He seemed like a magnets for my words, drawing them out with ease. Nick didn't have this affect on me... Jimmy was watching me watch him. It was weird. I pulled my notebook away from him. He grabbed my arm, drawing my sleeve away. A large yellowing bruise, it was leering at me. It was making me sick... Jimmy gasped.

"Who did this?"

I pulled my arm away and tucked my notebook in my backpack. I laid my head in my arms and waited for the first bell to ring. I had missed all of yesterday besides first period when Nick had taken me away and I wasn't going to do it again. I was determined to be here. No matter how I felt, no matter how I thought I didn't need to be here.

I felt the breath on my neck again, and I shuddered. Jimmy didn't seem to get me. He didn't seem to get the universal language of the cold shoulder. I had given that to so many people I was shocked when he began speaking to me, regardless of me not reacting.

"How did you get that bruise?" he asked quietly. I didn't say anything, no surprise there. I felt his hand, warm to the touch, on my arm. Why was he doing this? My mind raced, I had no explanation. Did he.. Did he actually care? That couldn't be, he only just began talking to me... Maybe he thought I hadn't changed since I was eleven. So long ago... How would he remember?

"Cindy." He seemed so serious... I didn't like it. I stood up and walked to the back of the classroom. I sat down, laying my head down again. He had followed me, I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"Go away," I mumbled. He seemed to hesitate, but he turned and I could hear his footsteps, heavy and forlorn. Eh. Make him worry, it's not like he matters to me. Does he? Or doesn't he?

First period flew by too quickly if you ask me. I quite like Pre-Calculus. It was my best subject... The way I could know there's one answer to everything kind of made me feel good. Like I could never be wrong.

"Hey baby," breathed Nick as I stepped out of my classroom. He was always there, always ready to give me a nice little kiss and then walk me to my next class. Such a nice boyfriend, no?

I smiled at him, a rare occasion. I think I smiled because I felt guilty about talking with Jimmy... Maybe.

Jimmy walked out of the classroom a few people behind me and stared at me. He shook his head and headed off in the other direction.

"Why does Neutron keep looking at you?" Nick sounded like he was being threatened...

"He's my partner for a project." Nick still seemed like Jimmy was closing in on him or something, so I went up on my tip-toes and gave him a long kiss, nice and steamy. Nick smiled and kissed me again. Now I was smiling, giggling too, I think.

Nick wrapped a muscled arm around me and walked me to Art, my second favorite class. My teacher, Ms. Freeman, seemed to like me. I think she thinks that I'm really talented. At least, that's what she said when I drew a self portrait...

"I'll see you later, babe, got that?" Nick raised his eyebrow and smirked. I was always doing what he said... I didn't mind. If it made him happy, then I'll do it.

I walked into the art room, running into Ms. Freeman.

"Oh, hello Cynthia," she said, putting oil paints and brushes on the big table in the middle of the classroom. She was from London, so she had this awesome accent. And she always called me Cynthia, since I hadn't told her my name was Cindy.

I gestured to the paints and raised my eyebrows. She looked puzzled, but she understood me. We had communicated like this all year, so it wasn't too hard.

"We're doing portaits of our most favorite person. It doesn't matter who, just anyone you fancy particularly. Last year, a few kids painted someone in their families... One girl actually drew that one man from that boy band... N'Stink..."

I didn't bother to correct her that it was N'Sync, not N'Stink. Well, it didn't really matter. I nodded at her and sat down all the way by the front of the room, where I could see Ms. Freeman and the table in the front where she demonstrated most of the time.

I took out my notebook, and started drawing Nick. I was planning on painting him, glad that I could finally put him on canvas... I had been planning on buying my own canvas and painting him at home, but my mother didn't really bother with giving me money...

"Alright, class, please settle down. It's finally time for portraits! Yes, real portraits!"

A faint cheer was going through the classroom, and I actually smiled. Ms. Freeman beamed at all of us and told us to get whatever we needed and sit down quickly. I stood up quickly, gathered a few tubes of paint, only blacks, grays, and whites, because I was going to do a black and white portrait. I sat down and watched as other people from my class eagerly gathered supplies and talking before sitting down. There was a lot of misfits in this class, and... Even that girl, Libby. She was very pretty, her dark hair in a tight ponytail and her dark eyes seemed darker because of the black eyeliner she was wearing.

"Okay, everyone, please be quiet while I hand out the canvas to each of you. The first one will be free, but if you mess up, you'll have to pay 4 dollars for a new one."

I sighed. I was going to have to really careful.

"Please refrain from anything... Inappropriate in your portraits, since you _will_ be graded. Well, have fun."

I smiled at Ms. Freeman as she passed by my desk, and then looked at my canvas. It was an off-white, like most others, and I imagined it covered in the dark paint I had gotten. Maybe it should have _some_ color...

I began sketching out a rough draft on the canvas with my pencil, making sure nothing was out of place. As my mind wandered, I heard Libby talk, since she was sitting only a few desks away.

"And Jimmy was talking about Cindy, his partner for the project in his Pre-Calc class, as if she was a goddess.. It was kinda weird, really, because she doesn't hang with us anymore, she's all quiet and she's always with that Nick Dean..."

My cheeks inflamed, and then I looked at my canvas. I had drawn Jimmy once again. My heart beat quickly, and I erased it quickly. Then I thought against it, drawing Jimmy in his messy hair and backward shirt. I smiled, and I squeezed some black paint onto a scrap of paper towel.

With wide brushstrokes, I drew the outline on the canvas. A smudge of black under his chin, shadowing in some other places.. I changed my paint to a light gray and began coloring in everything. Then I got a darker gray and colored in his shirt. His hair was in black, since it was dark red... His eyes... I stood up and went to the big table, clutching a tube of paint.

I squeezed a tiny bit out on the paper towel and dipped a small brush into it. I leaned over the canvas and rubbed the brush into it. I sat back and smiled.

His eyes were now blue, the only color in the entire painting.

The bell rang, and I startled, now realizing that I had been painting the entire time. Libby walked by my desk as she was leaving, clutching her painting.

"Wow, that's good. Why did you draw Jimmy?"

I shrugged and picked the painting up before walking to the front of the class. I laid it on Ms. Freeman's desk, like everyone else had. I smiled at Ms. Freeman and walked out of the class, straight into the arms Jimmy.

"Oh, hi."

I shrugged and walked on, seeing Jimmy frown. Why did he care if I didn't say hi back? In fact, why did he care, period?


	4. The Party

**Someone said that this sounds a lot like the book, Speak, and yes, it kinda does seem like it, but it's not. Whatever it has in common is all coincidental. Even though I kinda got the _idea_ from it, I'm not trying to make another Speak. YOU CAN SEE THE DIFFERENCE, AMY, IF YOU LOOK HARD ENOUGH. Alrighty, have fun.**

**P.S. This is one of my _shorter_chapters, but eh... I _did_ my _best._**

**Pain  
hapter 4**

_"You do love me, right?" _

_His warm breath, his warm, smelly breath was on my cheek. I cringed and rested my hands on my thighs. His fair hair tumbled down over his wrinkled forehead, shadowing his brilliant green eyes from my bedroom light. HE was always like this the night before a big business meeting. Always needing to unwind._

_But I didn't mind, did I?_

_"You love me, right?" he repeated gruffly. "Right?"_

_I nodded and closed my eyes, imagining him on my thirteenth birthday, imagining him being the loving man he should be. But the image wouldn't stay, the bruises forming on my arms and torso, his cold, clammy hand creepy up my thigh..._

_I had to get away._

* * *

Things weren't the same without him. No they weren't. He was so much like Nick... Or should Nick be like him? Maybe... Since Nick came _after_ him. 

"What are you thinking about, babe?"

I turned to see Nick staring at me, and I shrugged, shivering in my thin t-shirt and jeans. He had taken me to a party, a party that was boring as hell. But Nick seemed to enjoy getting stoned with his buddies, so why complain?

He was feeling up the little brunette who was sitting on his knee, but she seemed to like it, and so did Nick. Especially Nick. I gritted my teeth and held myself tighter, since it was getting colder and colder with the windows open. At first I thought I was going to puke with so much smoke floating around, but after I opened the window, I think I'll die of pneumonia.

Better that than be discovered baked in a weed oven.

"Hey, babe, will you get me another beer? I'm running low."

Nick held out his now-empty plastic cup and belched. I took the cup from him and walked quickly to the kitchen where it was warmer, and where the keg was at.

As I was standing there, refilling Nick's cup, I heard a couple guys from the football team talking, occasionally taking hits from the roach that was being passed around.

"..Yeah, that goody-goody Neutron? Feel bad for him, really. He doesn't realize that nearly all the girls here are drooling after him... Too bad."

"Dude, I know, last year, I heard a couple girls sent him some naked pictures of them to him and he threw 'em out! What a fag!"

"Yeah, must be to throw out free porn.."

At first I heard some odd grinding noise, but found out it was my teeth. I grunted at myself and tried to calm myself. I had no idea why I was getting all worked up because some dumb jocks were mouthing poor Jimmy off...

Wait, did I just say, POOR Jimmy? I must really be losing it.

"Babe! Where's my drink?" Nick was yelling for his beer, so I walked quickly out to the living room where he was still fondling that brunette.

"Thanks, babe."

He took a long gulp of beer, turned to me, belched, then turned back to the brunette. He smiled and starting kissing her, and I rolled my eyes before working my way upstairs.

* * *

It was even worse up here; full of couples making out and individual rooms locked with loud noises coming out from them. Too bad they didn't know the walls weren't soundproof.. 

I went to the bathroom, seeing if maybe I could get some peace there, but no such luck. A tall, skinny Mexican guy with spiky hair and a letterman jacket was there, making out with some short blond bimbo.

Wait, he looks like Ultrageek... Oh my gosh, he is!

He stopped making out with the midget long enough to take out his cell phone from his back pocket, then kissed her again. When he actually flipped the phone open, he smiled at the blond girl and held up a finger.

"Hey, chicky-babe, what's happening?"

He listened for a bit and then pressed himself closer to the blond girl, who seemed to be enjoying the fact that he was grinding his crotch into her stomach since he was so tall.

"Yeah, yeah, Libs, I'm at home because I'm grounded. Yeah. No, no. I have to stay here, if I sneak out, they're sending me to a military school... Yeah. Love you too, babe. Yeah, see you at school tomorrow."

He hung up and grinned at the midget. I gagged and stumbled toward the stairs, where I could see Nick getting hot and heavy with that girl from before... I hung back, trying to see through my tears. For some reason, the pain that had been numbed for so long, I could feel it now, I could feel the pain rushing at me like a tidal wave.


	5. Kisses That Hurt

**Pain  
Chapter 5**

How could Sheen, Ultrageek, the guy who was blinded by his love for Libby, how could he cheat on her? Did Libby deny him something that the midget was dying to give? What was with the world? What was with me? What was with these questions? Why the hell do I even care?

I sighed and tucked my notebook under my arm as I got up from my desk right as Jimmy walked into the classroom. I knew he was going to talk to me again, badger me with those questions. Questions I didn't want to answer. Or maybe the questions I didn't know the answers to.

"Cindy, wait!"

Great. He was still going to try. Again. When will he stop? Was he my stalker? Did he know about Sheen? Was he going to ask for a witness?

No. Can't be. He knew nothing. He will know nothing after I don't talk to him. It was best to keep him in the dark about everything rather than break open my shell and tell him everything that had been running through my mind for the past 36 hours.

"Cindy!"

Why was he so persistant? Didn't he know I didn't want to talk to him anymore? Didn't he know I was doing this to save him? Didn't he know Nick would practically kill him for talking to me again? Didn't he know how jealous Nick could get? Didn't he know?

Jimmy was by my side already, just as I was about to sit in the seat farthest from his. Well, the seat he usually sits in.

"Cindy. I want to talk to you. Really. I do."

I ignored him and began writing a poem I had been working on in my mind. He sat down in front of me, and stared.

_Let me fly,  
Far far away,  
Let me fly,  
Take this pain away._

_Let me run,  
Run somewhere else,  
Let me run,  
Away from this wretched house._

_Let me float,  
You don't watch anymore,  
Let me float,  
This is too cold._

I felt Jimmy's breath on my forehead, knowing he was watching me write. I lifted my head quickly and felt his nose collide with my forehead, heard a sickening crack.

He cried out and I felt my heart coil up and then spring back. It felt strange, a feeling I had never known before. Jimmy was nursing his nose, and then I saw a leak of red.

"You're bleeding."

He peered at me with bleary eyes, scrunched up with pain. I dug in my backpack for a packet of tissue and then withdrew a couple, pressing them into his free hand. His eyes thanked me and I nodded, looking back down at my notebook. A tiny splatter of blood dotted the top of my current page and I pressed my thumb against it. It felt warm...

"Will you comeb wib me to da nurse?"

I almost laughed, almost forgot the pain as he talked with and outrageous accent, something brought on by the nosebleed. I nodded and stuffed my things into my backpack, leaning it carefully against my desk. I walked up to the teacher's desk quickly and whispered, "Jimmy Neutron has a nosebleed. Can I take him to the nurse?"

My teacher, Miss Keller, she just shrugged and waved me away, knowing there was more than enough time for us to go there and come back. I nodded to Jimmy to come and then lowered my head as we headed to the nurse.

"So will you eber dell me why you habe dad bruise?"

I said nothing, hoping I could figure out a reason why I had gone with Jimmy. It was odd; he had this odd tantalizing effect on me. I didn't know why, didn't _want _to know. I watched him as he pressed the already soaked tissue harder to his nose. It spilled some blood onto Jimmy shirt and I watched as it billowed out, almost like a rose, a blood-red rose, on his shirt.

"You hade me don'd you?"

I shook my head and stuffed my hands inside my pockets. My dirty, greasy blond hair fell and hid my eyes. The same eyes as _He_ had. Those brilliant, emerald green eyes.

"Why are you so quied?"

I shrugged and jerked my head toward the door; we had arrived at the nurse's office. He ignored it and watched me watch him. Very odd behavior for a guy who seemed to be bleeding to death through his nose.

"I remember how you used to be."

His outrageous accent seemed to be dissipating. I almost smiled, but frowned instead. His joy was contagious.

"You used to hate me."

True. Or maybe not. I really don't know. I lost my eleven year old self a while back.

"You also used to love me. We kissed."

I had forgotten that. That odd day. The odd week. That time Libby was ruining everyone's lives through gossip.

"I miss that Cindy. That Cindy used to be loud. Used to love correcting me. I remember that Cindy. I want her back."

I shrugged, feeling a chill come over me. How could I explain to myself that I was liking this performance? How could I explain to him that my old self was long gone?

"Everyone wants her back. Even Carl. He didn't really like you back then because you were so mean to him, but he loved everyone. Listen, Cindy, I want you back, I want you with me. Libby, Sheen, my mom, Carl... We all want the old Cindy back."

Fat chance, genius boy. Figure it out, Jimmy, you're a genius, you should know. There's no way I can go back. I'm already in too deep. And so is Nick. So is _He_.

"I think I know why you're like this."

My ears perked up; maybe he really did know... Maybe.

"I think it's because of Nick."

Well, he had half of it. And he'll never know the other part. No one will know. _He_ would never forgive me. _I _would never forgive me. I can't tell anyone. No one will know. _No one_.

Why was he beating himself up because of this? Was there a reason? Was there a reason why anyone should care? Was there any reason for anyone to live? Forget it. The facts of life are too complicated. _I'm_ too complicated.

"We can stop him, Cindy. We can do it together. We can get the world to help. We can help you."

I don't need your help. Don't need the world's help. What's with this helping happening? I didn't need it. Nick didn't need helping. He wasn't doing anything wrong.

"We need to stop it. He's killing you, Cindy. You may not think that way... But it's true. I can see it."

His nosebleed seemed to have stopped, and I could see by the clock on the wall that the bell was going to ring soon. I started back toward the classroom, until I felt Jimmy pull my arm.

Great. He was going to drone on until I die of _boredom_.

But... Change of plans. He had turned me around so he could...

Kiss me.

I felt his tongue delve into my mouth after a few seconds of his lips on mine. I was enjoying this, regardless of how much I needed Nick, regardless of how much I loved him.

He pulled back only after I dug my nails into his arm. Only after I gave him a red light. I couldn't do this to Nick. No way, no how.

"I can't."

Jimmy seemed startled at my words. Maybe he thought I still felt something for him, maybe he thought I would change my mind with a kiss.

No way, no how.


	6. Painful Memories

**Pain  
Chapter 6**

_"Don't tell me... You don't love me anymore; do you?"_

_His emerald green eyes twinkling under the moonlit sky, I watched Sasha flirt with an old guy off to the side of the marina. __I swallowed, feeling my palms start to sweat, feeling my throat get tighter. _

_"I do love you, I do."_

_He watched me. Watched me with those brilliant eyes. The same eyes I had. He grabbed my hand and pulled me along to a darker part of the marina. I knew people were watching us, giggling, They always thought we were a couple, instead of seeing us as what we really were._

_"If you love me, you'd let me do anything, won't you?"_

_I bit my lower lip, feeling the sharp pain wash over me. I nodded slowly, a small trickle of saliva and blood running down my chin. Sweaty palms grasping my arms and waist, I closed my eyes, determined not to watch him as he did his business._

_But I wanted to. I so wanted to._

* * *

Feeling such emotion was surely impossible. Feeling such pain. There was no way. I knew Jimmy had some kind of effect on me, but I never knew he could do _this_.

"Will you hate me if I told you I loved you?"

I sighed as Betty tried desperately to be as emotional as her part called for. She wasn't doing it though.

"Will you love me if I told you I hated you?" replied Carl, the other lead in the play.

We were doing a new play by a young woman named Hyeree Han, who knew our Drama teacher, Ms. Cortes. Carl was playing the main man, Neil Harris, while Betty played Skye Stevens, the main girl. The play was in modern times, a little drama happening between these star-crossed lovers.

"Of course, Neil. I will love you no matter what. I don't care if you hate me. I love you, and I will always love you."

I gagged, and then watched Betty as she pulled on Carl's hand. He was pretty much average weight now, wearing contacts and getting better allergy medicine... So she wasn't as repulsed by him as before...

"Skye, babe. You know you mean a lot to me... But this really... I mean..."

And right on cue, Betty ran out, sobbing like a little mofo.

I heard a light clapping in the back of the theater, and I heard everyone turn their heads to see who it was. And as surprising as it seems, I turned my head too.

Oh.

"Bravo, Betty. _Carl_."

Nick strolled down the aisle and stopped right by my seat. He leaned down, and whispered in my ear. "I'm going to give Betty a ride home, alright babe? You find your own ride tonight."

I swallowed and nodded, feeling my heart rise into my throat. He was doing it again. He found out. He was punishing me.

I rose from my seat, trying hard to stop the vomit from flowing freely from my mouth. I felt the tears, felt them blind me as I stumbled toward the exit. I knew. I knew people were staring, I knew people were laughing.

I don't care.

* * *

Why?

Why does Nick do this? He told me he cared about me. He told me he loved me. But he still does this... Was it because he was repulsed by me? Was I somehow unattractive to him? Did he want me to know that?

Gaahhh. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I stopped as I felt the raindrops roll down my face, as I heard the honk behind me. Was it Nick? Was he coming to get me? Why do I do that? Why do I set myself up for these emotional beatings? Why do I have so much hope for Nick?

"Hey, Cindy!"

Oh. Jimmy.

I turned and saw him running towards me, his dark red hair appearing black as the rain plastered it to his forehead. I watched his shining blue eyes watch me, the edges of them crinkling in a smile as he saw me stare.

"Hey," he repeated. He was panting heavily, a smile weakly playing along his handsome features...

"Hi."

I was almost as startled as he was at my raspy voice wheeze out a greeting.

"So... Can I offer you a ride?"

A ride? Jimmy had a car? Of course, my suspicions were confirmed as he waved his hand toward the large red truck sitting a few feet away.

"Because this rain seems like it's going to keep on going for a while..."

I nodded slowly, but turned away and stepped forward. I felt him grab my arm, turning me around again. My lips puckered through instinct, but I reeled them back in as soon as he opened his mouth to talk.

"Look, Cindy. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I really didn't. I'm so sorry. I knew about you and Nick, but, God, I can't get you out of my mind!"

He looked so desperate for some kind of confirmation of acceptance of his apology, so desperately sad. I nodded and placed my cold, clammy hand on his arm, feeling the gooseflesh rise quickly. He shivered, trembled at my touch, and I quickly took my hand off, afraid he might be afraid too.

"I'm so sorry. But... But I think... I think I'm in love with you."

It was as if he dropped the H-Bomb right in front of me. The world had shattered, the brilliantly sharp pieces of it slicing into my heart and ripping my soul into pieces. Maybe I was afraid, or maybe I was surprised. Either way, the world had stopped.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why.. And I've tried to tell myself you're with Nick and happy and all, but thinking about what Nick does to you... It makes me sick, actually, it makes me sick to know that the girl I'm desperately in love with is being abused by her boyfriend who doesn't even give a crap about her."

He crossed the line there. I don't know why, don't even care, but what he said made the red rage from deep inside of me fly out.

"He's not abusing me! How many times do I have to tell you jerks he loves me and won't be like that anymore! I have to stop myself from blowing up like this everyday because I know you guys would think I'm crazy, but, you have to stop it. There's no _problem_!"

Then Jimmy grabbed my shoulder, violently settling me down, making me feel as if I was in Nick's grasp.

"Look at me," he growled. "You need to know something. I will _never_ give up on you. Understand that? I will _never_ stop trying. You know why? Because you deserve better than he does, even if it ends up not being me. I don't want this happening to you, the same way it happens to..."

Happens to? Who is he talking about?

"..Never mind." He sighed and ran a hand through his soggy hair. "I'll see you later."

Then he was walking away, practically sprinting, and leaving me alone, all alone and being rained upon.

* * *

_Ring-ring. Ring-ring. Ring-ring. _

_Will he answer? Will he think of me when he takes the phone? Will he answer with a warm hello? Will he be annoyed?_

_"Hello?"_

_My heart beat wildly against my rib-cage and I swallowed, feeling my dinner rise from my stomach. _

_"Hello?"_

_First time calling after he walked out. First time. And it wasn't going as well as I had thought._

_"Hello!"_

_My eyes widened, the tears threatening to leak out. I took a shallow breath and grasped the tight fabric of my jeans._

_"Hi," I whispered. My hair fell into my eyes, but I made no move to swipe them away. I lifted my hand to my mouth and began biting my well-worn nails._

_"Cindy? Is that you?"_

_I nodded, but I realized he couldn't see me since I was calling him, so I whispered into the receiver. "Yeah."_

_"Wow. I never thought I would hear from you again! How are you, pumpkin?"_

_"Fine," I mumbled. "My birthday was last weekend."_

_"Really? So how old are you now? Fourteen?"_

_"Fifteen."_

_"Oh, right. Uhh, so how's Sasha?"_

_"She's fine."_

_"That's good."_

_"Not really. She treats me like crap since you left."_

_"Why?"_

Because you brought home the money, jerk.

_"Because she's depressed."_

_"Oh. Well, tell her I'm sorry for leaving. Tell her it was because of... Personal matter that didn't include her."_

Sorry? Who was he kidding? And I won't tell her anything.

_"Okay."_

_"Umm, well, I gotta go, so can you call me later?"_

_"Sure."_

_That was the last time I ever talked to him._

* * *

I rubbed my sweaty palms on my comforter and pressed those little buttons. They made little beeping noises as I pressed them, and I held my breath as it rang.

_Ring-ring-ring. Ring-ring-ring. Ring-ring-ring._

"Hello?"

So familiar...

"Hello?"

"Hi."

"Oh, Cindy! Hi. I never thought you'd call!"

He sounded groggy, as if he had just woken up. Well, it _was_ two in the morning...

"Yeah, I'm sorry, Jimmy. I wanted to talk to someone. I couldn't sleep."

"It's okay."

"Okay."

"So is there a certain agenda you wanted to talk about, Cindy?"

"Not anything particular."

"Umm... How about Nick?"

"No."

"Okay."

_We could talk about your kiss, your sudden confession._ I only thought, never said. Always.

"So, Cindy... Why can't you sleep?"

"I don't know. If I did, I think I'd try something."

"Yeah, good point."

"Uh-huh."

"You're talking more, Cindy, I think that's a good sign."

"Of what?"

"Of your personality."

"What's wrong with my personality?"

"Nothing. Well, nothing we can't change."

"Why would you change my personality?"

"Because you don't care if someone is doing something wrong."

"There's nothing wrong going on here."

"I'm sure there isn't." There was a pause, and then I heard him take a breath. "Listen, Cindy, I was wondering if we could meet somewhere."

"Today?"

"I don't know. I guess sometime when Nick won't find out."

"That's would be now."

"Well, I guess I would have to say yes, since I have practically no choice."

I heard the cheeriness in his voice, the raw hope. I grimaced and sit up. He was slurring his speech, getting more likely to fall asleep any second.

"Okay."

"Alright. So where should we meet?"

"I don't know. Maybe we can just drive around."

"Sure."

"Okay."

"Mmm-kay, bye. See you in a moment."

"Okay."

"Bye."

"Okay."

"I'll see you."

"I'm going to hang up now."

"Okay, you do that, Cindy."

* * *

Why was I doing this? Was there a reason for doing this? I felt dirty... I felt as if I was betraying Nick by talking with Jimmy. Would it really be a crime? Having an actual friend for once?

"Hi."

Jimmy was practically shining in the moonlight, practically projecting his own light. He seemed so happy, it would be such a sad time for him when Nick finds him with me. It'll happen eventually.

"Hey."

"So, my truck's over there."

It was sitting by the curb, the bright red paint glowing equally as bright as Jimmy.

"Okay."

"Alright," he said with a smile. "Let's go."

I nodded and we walked quickly over to his truck, and I rubbed my bare arms in the November chill. He walked up behind me just as I was about to open the door and settled a heavy leather jacket on my shoulders.

"You can wear this until we get back."

I nodded and settled into the seat a second later, smelling that new car smell in my nostrils. He smiled at me as he settled into his own seat and turned on the engine.

"We should get there quickly."

After a minute of passing rows of silent houses, silent shadows, Jimmy turned to me and sighed.

"Why won't you talk about Nick?"

"Love."

"How would you define love?"

"A deep emotional bond with a person, perhaps?"

After a moment, he smiled, a chuckle forming deep within his throat.

"I knew I missed these."

"These?"

"Intelligent conversations," he said with a laugh. "I hardly have them. Usually the only intelligent person I'm around is my mom or Libby. And I'm talking about humans, too, otherwise Goddard would be there."

I smiled at him and looked out at the grass of the park. The early dew drops twinkled underneath the lamplight, and I thought of all of those midnight trips here with Jimmy when I was younger.

"You remember, don't you?"

"Yes."

"Do you remember all the times we kissed under that exact tree right there?"

"No. I don't remember that at all."

"Maybe this'll help..."

He leaned in and settled his warm lips over mine, and I felt that tingly feeling come over me again, just like the day before, just like that one time he had done it unexpectedly... He slid his tongue over my teeth, and my jaw loosened unwillingly, my hopeless mouth savoring the taste of him. This time I had no intention of pushing him off, no intention of digging my fingernails into his arm.

He slid away from me, placing his head into his hands, groaning. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that. It just... It just happened, okay? I couldn't help it... And you're not helping it either! You with your mystery... I love you."

The shock of his words rolled over me and I shivered under his jacket, letting my head roll onto my shoulder. I sighed and felt the ghost of his lips on mine, and I felt the cold air make them tremble.

"Take me home."

"I'm so sorry, Cindy."

"Take me home."

"Okay..."

It had happened again. And I liked it. Much more than I liked Nick's kisses. Much more than anything of Nick's.


	7. Cut Me Off From Reality

**Pain  
Chapter 7**

"I wish you'd stop that."

Stop what? Wait, who is this? I turned around to see Nick leaning against the door frame of the drama room. He sneered at me and walked arrogantly forward.

"So, babe. Have a fun time with Neutron last night?"

I stopped sorting the papers and heard my heart beat wildly in my ears. How did he find out? It was two in the morning... We were there for ten minutes... There was no way he could have found out...

"I have eyes _everywhere_."

He smirked and shook his head, leaning forward and using the desk to support himself. Then he suddenly stood straight, launching a fist at my face.

"You do not do things like that!"

His spit landed on my cheek and I wiped it away, feeling a tear getting wiped away along with it.

"I told you, I will not let you do that!" He jerked my head back, grasping my hair tightly. "You little _bitch_."

I took a shallow breath and felt a tear slide off my nose and on the floor. Everything was going in slow motion, Nick's open hand getting ready to slap me, the tear falling down, my mouth opening, my tongue moving to form words..

"Stop it."

Nick's hand stopped, and his shock was visible on his face. Then he laughed loudly, throwing me down and then squatting down next to me.

"What did you say?"

His rage soon consumed him, the red appearing and taking over his face. He struck out quickly with his fist again, catching me on the side of my jaw. It ached where he hit me, where he had hit me so many times before.

"Stop!"

Nick stopped breathing. He stuck a hand inside his jacket pocket and then drew it out, a shiny object in his hand, a tiny noise heard before someone appeared by the door.

"What the hell are you doing?"

No. It was Jimmy. Not again. Will he ever learn that he can't help? That he can't do anything at all?

"I'm teaching this little bitch a lesson, Neutron, and you're gonna get it right after."

Jimmy took a quick step forward, anger showing on his darkened face. He pulled me up on my feet as Nick stood up, that object hidden slightly by his sleeve. I saw a glint of silver, a razor sharp edge cutting my tie with reality, making me feel everything stop.

Nick smirked and slowly drew his hand forward, or so it seemed to me, and I launched myself at him, screaming. But Jimmy pulled me back, an odd look on his face.

He took a large step forward, striking out with his hand, trying to catch Nick on the side of his head. But luck will never be on my side. Nick suddenly stuck his hand out, shoving his switchblade deep into Jimmy's abdomen, the time suddenly resuming.

"You do anything like that ever again," hissed Nick. "I will kill you along with everyone involved. Fucking slut."

Then he left, leaving me to tend to Jimmy, his blood blossoming on his t-shirt, a green one this time..

* * *

Time never stops for pain. It never stops when you're having fun. It doesn't stop for anything you want it to stop for. Maybe it's better that way, maybe it isn't... 

"Miss Vortex?"

I raised my head, wiping my tears away with the tissue I got from the front desk, and walked toward the nurse who was looking at me expectedly.

"Umm, James Neutron will stay in the ICU until maybe next week, when he'll get transferred to the recovery ward. He's awake right now, and he said he wants to see you. But just so you know, you'll have to leave in about.." The nurse looked at her watch, then sighed. "..Twenty minutes. Visiting hours will be over then. You can come back tomorrow."

Then she left me standing there, left me wondering what I would say to Jimmy when I went to see him.

I sighed and walked up to the lady at the front desk, wiping my hair away from my eyes before asking her where Jimmy's room was.

"Room 134, Room 134, Room 134, Room 134..."

I crept quietly and worriedly down the corridor, stopping once I got to the open door of Jimmy's room. He saw me standing there and waved weakly.

"Come in," he wheezed. I choked back my sobs and walked forward, slowly, ever so slowly.

When I finally got to the side of his bed, Jimmy took my hand in his and smiled. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done those things. I shouldn't have acted on instinct."

"Stop."

"Huh?"

"Stop apologizing."

"But I really am sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"But-"

"Just stop!"

He settled down on his pillows, letting go of my hand. He looked down, staring at his sheet-covered feet. The gloom settling on his face, he turned away.

"There's a reason why I do these things," he whispered, sounding sort of watery. I placed my hand on his cheek and turned his head toward me, feeling my heart flop as I saw his teary eyes.

"It's because Hugh does it too."

I stood there, shocked.

"What?"

"Hugh beats my mom."

Hugh? He always had called him Dad...

"And I'm tired of it. I want it to stop."

"Jimmy..." I placed a hand on his arm and blinked. "Stop beating yourself up over this. None of this is your fault."

Then it hit me. I had never realized I had never liked the pain. I realized I had never just thought it as nothing. I had realized it was because I had grown to not mind it.

"But it is!" insisted Jimmy as my mind raced with the thoughts of my sudden epiphany. "It is my fault! I cause all the trouble at home and Hugh beats Mom for it! God! I hate him so much!"

I stared at him, stared at his hate-filled face. He took a deep breath and looked at me, his watery eyes starting to leak tears.

"I'm sorry for blowing up like this..."

I placed a hand on his arm and stared straight into his sapphire blue eyes, the ones I had always dreamed of since I was a little kid. Now was the time to let it all fly.

"It's not your fault. It never was, never will be."

His jaw slackened, and he gripped my arm tightly. Staring back into my eyes, he whispered with hate pouring out of every pore in his body.

"It _is_."

Then he let go of my arm, letting his head roll back onto his pillow. I sighed and turned his head toward me again.

"You shouldn't be the one apologizing, Jimmy. I should. I'm sorry for making you go through this, so sorry for letting myself go like that. I'm really sorry. But words really don't mean anything, do they?"

He chuckled, then wheezed and coughed, his body wracked with pain.

"Yeah," he sighed. "You're right."

I leaned over his body, so that my face was right in his face. I leaned even closer, letting my hair fall over my face and shroud us from the real world.

"I love you, Jimmy. And I'm sorry for not saying earlier."

Then I felt myself kiss him, felt myself put my lips on his. I felt myself push myself harder on him so that he groaned, so hard that he pushed me off.

"That was a lot of ground to cover in ten minutes," he whispered happily.

He let go of me and kissed me again, nibbling my bottom lip and making me tremble. He drove his tongue straight into my mouth, not even waiting for permission. I stroked his cheek, feeling his skin grow warmer.

"Visiting hours are..."

I heard the nurse gasp, but I had a feeling she was smiling as she closed the door. I pushed myself away from Jimmy, although it was hard to do so, and sighed.

"I should go now."

He looked at me with a pained expression and grabbed my hand.

"Will you come visit me tomorrow?"

"If I can."

"If you can?"

And I only had to utter one word for him to understand.

"Nick."


	8. Trusting You

**Pain  
Chapter 8**

Must I be the one to suffer for the problems of others? Apparently so. But I could do something about it, right? Right?

Walking home from the library, I couldn't help but notice a certain somebody following me. Nick sprinted forward, trying to catch up with me. I had set off from the library in a brisk walk, but now I was practically running.

"Oh, hey, babe. How's Neutron? He's good, right?" Nick was showing such sarcasm I could barely breathe. I shrugged away from him, although he was reaching out to me, trying to grab my waist and kiss me.

"Aw, come on, babe, it's just a scratch, ain't it?"

I lifted my shoulders, a desperate attempt to shield myself from the waves of radiating hate and coldness coming from Nick. He had a bad childhood, as I had, and I was to pay for it.

"Babe! You look at me or else, got it?"

Perhaps I'm afraid for my life, perhaps I'm afraid for Jimmy's; I looked at Nick with scorn. He glared back at me, finally able to grab onto me since I had stopped running away from him. He pulled me closer, burying his face in my neck, breathing his hot breath on my skin. I cringed, almost unwillingly; I had gotten so used to it. But now it was different, he had caused to much pain, too much heartache that I couldn't ignore it any further.

"Look, babe... I'm sorry. Forgive me?" He looked at me expectantly with doleful eyes. I had to keep myself from yelling, _What are you crazy? Forgive you? After all you've done? What the hell are you smoking? Oh wait, I know, you're a pothead!_

But I couldn't say anything. Not yet. Not until I was safe. Not until he was.

"It's... It's fine." I worked so hard to shield my hate from him, so hard to make him believe I was still on his side.

Nick smiled crookedly, one side of his mouth going higher than the other. In so many ways could I hate him, but when he smiled like that, when he smiled like Jimmy did, I couldn't help but smile back.

"So, Cindy," he whispered into my ear. "Wanna go to a party with me tonight?"

He had called me Cindy. Wow. He hadn't said my name since.. God knows when.

"Tonight?" I was going to go see Jimmy tonight... "And if I say no?"

Nick stopped for a second, not even a hint of emotion showing on his face. After what seemed like an eternity, he smiled at me.

"It's fine. There's always a party. We can go to one tomorrow or something."

He had let me do what I want. Maybe he really was changing... No. Couldn't be. He had to be doing this to regain my trust... Probably. Or maybe the hope that was remaining in the pieces of my broken heart made me believe what I did. Made me believe that Nick was turning over a new leaf.

"Babe?" His voice came unfamiliarly, intruding my thoughts violently.

I looked at him, a smile playing on the edges of his lips. "Is something wrong? Hey, babe, if I really did hurt Neutron, I'll go apologize to him."

_Of course you hurt him you bastard no need to apologize though he doesn't like you anyway don't want you to look at him don't want to look at you anymore he hates you so much now more than he hated you before and now i think i hate you too even if i love you so much._

My thoughts were in a jumble, everything coming at me all at once, all different perspectives, all different emotions coming together in the abyss of my mind.

I shook my head and then kissed Nick's cheek. "No, nothing's wrong. And I'm sure Jimmy's fine. Since when did you care how he was anyway?"

"Don't really," he said with a shrug. "It's just that he's your best friend or something, right?"

How did he know? He didn't care about me...

"Yeah, I suppose."

"Alright then, I'll see you later then, right, babe?"

I nodded and Nick leaned in to kiss me, but I turned my head quickly so that he got a mouthful of my hair. He laughed and shook his head a moment later, almost as if he knew an inside joke. I trembled, fear suddenly returning to me. I then remembered a brief conversation I had had with Jimmy a few days ago...

_"So, Cindy, how've you been?"_

_"Fine. You?"_

_"You know, same old, same old. Always having to wake up in the mi__ddle of the night with my abdominal cramps and peeing  
in a bedpan every morning."_

_I had laughed bitterly, half at Jimmy for being so optimistic, half at Nick for making Jimmy so optimistic by getting him to his hospital bed._

_"Well, I'm glad you're alright, at any rate," he had said. "Because then at least one of us can be happy."_

_I had shook my head at that, no way was I happy. Not with him at the hospital, and with Nick flirting with all of the girls at school._

_"Hey, Jimmy?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Should I trust Nick?"_

_"What? Of course not! Why would you ask me that? I thought that surely you'd know."_

_"Well, I didn't... It's just... I always have trusted him, and it's going to be hard for me to stop all of a sudden."_

_"Cindy, trust me when I say this, but you should never trust a guy like Nick. He's lower than dirt, and if he tries to make you feel like he probably does every single day, I say let him go to hell, because I know for a fact that you're worth way more than dirt."_

_"Of course you would know something for a fact, eh? Mister Boy Genius."_

_"That's me, Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius!"_

Thinking of that conversation, I tried to convince myself that Nick was only tricking me, only trying to seduce me back into my old life. Well, guess again, Nick Dean, I'm not going to fall for that one again.


	9. Unexpected Visit

**Pain  
Chapter 9**

_His breath, once again, on my cheek. I shuddered and gasped, gripping the arm of the couch. _

_"Come on, Cindy.. Stop being so tense."_

_I squeezed out many tears from my eyes and gasped again._

_"No more," I whispered. _

_He looked at me, surprise littering his face. "What did you say?"_

_I stared back at him, my eyes rimmed with red, my hair a bloody mess. He had always loved running his fingers through it..._

_"What did you say?" he yelled, angry now more than surprised._

_I closed my eyes, my heart beating wildly against my ribcage. I would have to deal with this until the day I die..._

* * *

I felt so confused. So, so very confused. What was I to do? Was I supposed to find Nick and break up with him or something? What would that do? Would that solve all my problems? No. There was no way that would happen. Perhaps if I called the cops... No. Nick.. He didn't deserve _that_. Ugh, this was harder than I thought, this emotional crisis. Life really had ways to make you cry sometimes, exactly as it was doing right now. Although I wasn't crying physically, I _was_ totally crying inside, pulled apart by personal torment. Maybe that was the reason why life had decided to throw me this unswerving curveball. Because I was so emotional unstable that it knew it would have fun watching me try to figure this out. 

And it was so very right. I _was_ having a hard time, and it _was_ having fun. Otherwise it would at least help me out somehow...

"Cindy? Are you okay?"

Jimmy's voice rammed through my thoughts, interrupting it, but not unwelcomed. I smiled at him and grabbed his hand.

"I can't wait 'til you're out of bed... Things are.. Well... Crappy, to say the least, at school."

Jimmy looked up at me with doleful eyes and blinked once. "I'll be out of bed in no time, Cin'. Don't sweat it."

"Well, then why have there been all those surgeries and complications?"

He sighed and looked down, his now long hair shielding his eyes from me. I placed a hand on his chin and lifted his head, looking straight into his sky blue eyes.

"I'm sorry Jimmy. It's just... I miss you and I love you and I'm tired of having to do this with Nick and pretending to be even close to attracted to him and did I mention that I love you?"

Jimmy smiled, one side of his mouth skyrocketing above the other. I smiled back, and then placed a light kiss on his lips.

"I'm going to head home and eat dinner, but I'll be back before my mom can bitch at me, okay?"

Jimmy nodded and I stroked his cheek, hot, burning tears appearing in my eyes.

"What's wrong?" he asked quietly. I shook my head and wiped the tears away, feeling one escape and slide down my face.

"It's... Nothing... I just... I miss you, that's all."

"But I'm right here," he said cheerfully, spreading his arms and smiling at me. I smiled back, my bottom lip trembling.

"Well, I'm going to to go now, okay?"

He nodded at me and waved as I walked out the door.

_Nick needs to be taken care of... How? When? What? WHY?_

I shook my head and rubbed my temples slowly, walking quickly down the stairs and opening the door. Standing just outside was Libby, a plate of cookies in her hand.

"Oh," we said simultaneously. I shook my head, chuckling.

"Hi," I said, trying hard to be friendly. Libby smiled at me and nodded, indicating that she needed to come in.

"Oh!" I stepped aside, letting her step inside and put the cookies on the coffee table. Seeing that she was just standing there, I waved at her and walked out the door.

"I'll walk with you to your house if you want, Cindy."

Her voice startled me; I hadn't heard it in so long. I barely recognized it too, it had changed dramatically from her usual attitude-filled drone to something light and melodious.

"Umm.. Okay."

She followed me outside, closing the door gently behind her.

"I haven't talked to you since... How long ago? Fifth grade?" she muttered.

I nodded in agreement, a light blush overcoming my face.

"I'm sorry," I apologized quickly. "I just.. I lost my friends when I started going out with Nick and..."

"I know why you lost your friends.."

"What?"

"Jimmy told me. Nick made you, right?"

We stayed silent for the longest time, just standing there. I looked across the street to my house and lowered my head.

"Yeah. He did." I looked back up, seeing Libby with her eyes teary. "Listen. You don't have to do anything about it, just so you know. And I really should get home."

"Can I come with you?"

"Come where? My house?"

"Yeah."

"Umm... I suppose." I shrugged and began walking quickly home, looking both ways before crossing the street.

Libby walked along quickly with me, her mouth close my ear. When had she gotten that tall?

"So."

I looked at her, taking out the key to my house door from my bag. "So?"

"How are you?"

I bit my lower lip and inserted the key into the hole. "I'm fine, what do you think?" I spat back sarcastically.

I threw open the door suddenly, and walked briskly. I turned around, and seeing Libby standing in the doorway, I raised my eyebrows. "Coming in?"

She looked at me in surprise; perhaps thinking I wasn't going to invite her in.

I shrugged as she walked slowly in, and then I threw my bag next to the couch where a suspicious briefcase sat.

"Who's is this?" I asked to nobody in particular. Libby looked at me and shrugged, sitting down slowly on the couch.

"Mom!" I yelled. "Who's here?"

Just as I finished yelling, a man walked into the living room, a man I had dreaded seeing since the day he had left.

His fair hair fell over his eyes just like they used to, but they did nothing to hide the crow's feet in the corners of his eyes.

"Hello, Cindy. It's been a while."


	10. Another Unexpected Visit

**Pain  
Chapter 10**

"You," I managed to utter. He smiled at me and I grimaced, remembering...

"Cindy, is this how you treat your father?"

I glanced over at Libby, who was standing there in surprise, probably thinking I didn't even have a dad anymore. I looked back over at my dad and shook my head, a look of disgust on my face.

"Why are you here?"

He chuckled and sat down on the couch, carelessly shoving my backpack away.

"Because I decided I would come back and say hello."

I shook my head again and pulled Libby's arm so that we were walking away.

"Cindy! Where are you going?"

I looked back at my dad and gritted my teeth. "I'm going somewhere safe. Away from you."

He sported a pained look on his face for about a moment, but only for that moment. He wasn't the type to forget things easily, and I knew that if he was still like how he was before, he would punish me the way he liked it when I got home.

"Well, come home soon, Cindy. Your mom and I would like to speak to you."

His tone of voice was chilling. I couldn't help but look at him with fear running down my spine, but I tried my hardest to not and walked out the door, towing Libby along.

"Your dad seemed..."

I didn't let her finish; I was too busy with thoughts running through my head, trying to figure out what to do. Jimmy was in bed, there was no way he could help me. Nick, well, I knew Nick wouldn't help; he'd probably make it worse.

"My dad is pure evil and I'm not kidding. Come on, let's go back to Jimmy's."

She followed hesitantly, and I had to stop and stare into her eyes.

"We can't go back there. Neither of us. You don't know what he's like. My mom wouldn't really hurt me, but my dad's different. When I was younger... He would... Do things."

Libby stood there with confusion etched into her face, but I pulled her toward Jimmy's house once again.

"Cindy," she gasped when we reached Jimmy's door. "Did he do _those_ kind of things to you?"

Well, I knew she was smart, but I didn't know she was _that_ smart...

I stopped and looked at Libby, my brain practically throbbing with my thoughts and ideas. I would have to tell her my history with my father later...

"Come on!"

She looked at me in befuddlement, but followed nevertheless. I pulled us along to Jimmy's room and burst in, surprising both Jimmy and a certain visitor I wasn't expecting.

Betty was here. And she was apparently trying to kiss Jimmy, seeing as he was holding her a foot away, straining a lot, due to his condition.

"Get off of him!"

I screamed in frustration and pulled her off viciously, my face contorted into an expression of pure fury.

"I have enough trouble in my live without you coming to steal my boyfriend!"

Betty gasped at me and slapped me, her own face quite red and ugly with rage.

"Don't touch me, you little bitch!"

Flashes of memories containing both my father and Nick ran through my mind, and I chased them away with an iron fist; I didn't need any more reminders of how much my life sucked.

"Don't call me that!" I retaliated from her slap by socking her in the mouth, my hand throbbing a moment later.

Everyone in the room gasped except me, and I wondered why, except I knew exactly why when Betty stood up. She had blood dribbling down her chin, and she held several teeth in her hand. Tears ran down her cheeks, and I rushed to help her keep standing.

She pushed me off, and I knew why, but I still tried to help her.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know-"

Betty glared at me and I stepped back in fear. She almost snarled a threat to me, but apparently a bruised jaw and a mouthful of blood wasn't a good combination to use when speaking.

"Mmm-mmm!"

She mumbled her threat and ran out, her face still soaked with tears and blood.

The shock in the room eventually wore off and I stared at the spot on Jimmy's carpet where a few drops of Betty's blood had fallen.

"I didn't know I could hit that hard," I whispered. I looked up with tears in my eyes, and staggered over to Jimmy, my heart beating wildly, oblivious to Libby's presence.

"I'm sorry, Jimmy, I didn't mean to hurt her... I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

This was one of those moments in a person's life when you immediately regret what you had just previously done. I couldn't believe I had done such a thing to Betty, even though she had just tried to force herself onto Jimmy. It didn't feel right; life didn't feel right.

"Shh, Cindy, it's okay... It's okay." Jimmy rubbed my arm like the comfort he was, like the comfort I needed, and I suddenly remembered Libby was in the room.

Gasping for air, I faced her and wiped away a couple streams of tears, my face raw. "I'm sorry for... I'm sorry, Libby."

She nodded at me in a motherly fashion and I couldn't help but smile at her; she was the other support I had abandoned when I started going out with Nick.

"So," breathed Libby as she sat down at the foot of Jimmy's bed. "Gonna tell me about your dad?"

I nodded and rested my head on Jimmy's chest again, my hair shielding me from the horrors of the world as I began to tell my story...


	11. Obsessed?

**Pain  
Chapter 11**

"Oh, dear God, no!"

I woke up with a start, my face and neck covered in sweat. I wiped it all hastily away, my hand trembling.

"Cindy!" Jimmy exclaimed, his face appearing concerned yet unsurprised. "What happened?"

I rubbed my arms with my hands, suddenly feeling a chill go through my body. It felt as if I had suddenly plunged into a pool during the winter, or as if I had just jumped into a vat of ice. My hands stopped trembling after a while, but the sweat that I had wiped away kept reappearing, again and again, constantly as I wiped it off.

"Jimmy," I gasped, "Jimmy... It's.. I had a bad... It was a nightmare... Nightmare..."

My voice cracked in certain places and I glanced around Jimmy's living room, where his mom had set out many blankets. Libby sat intently, watching me, and she reached forward and brushed away a chunk of my hair away from my eyes.

"Cindy, don't worry. We're here. No one will get you."

I stared at her, my mind racing, and I pushed her hand away with my ice cold one. Her hand was quite warm, just as her voice had been, but that would hardly help my current situation.

"Nothing will be the same... Never again will I be safe," I whispered, my heart beating wildly, as if I had just ran to the moon and back.

Jimmy held out his arms for me, and I settled into his warm grip, content. He made me feel so safe, so alive. But would he really keep me safe? Would he really keep me alive?

* * *

"Cindy, come on, we'll be late for school." I looked up at Libby and smiled timidly, my face feeling hot. I wondered why for a moment, but dismissed the thought a second later when Jimmy walked into the room, his arm in his sling and his hair combed clumsily. 

I tugged at the shirt Libby had lent me and smiled at Jimmy.

"Thanks for letting me spend the night, Jimmy."

He smiled back at me and I blushed momentarily, then I grabbed my bag.

"So, you guys ready to go?" asked Jimmy, his voice calm and carefree. I shivered at the thought of going back to school, but instead of shaking my head as an indication of 'I hate the school and Nick is going to kill me the moment he sees me', I nodded, sealing my own fate with only a movement of my head.

* * *

The car ride went by quickly, and I barely had time to think before we were in front of our school, its big metal doors looking a whole lot like a monster's mouth. I shouldered my bag slowly and glanced at the people around us, my heart racing as I grazed my sight over a guy who looked a lot like Nick. I almost ran back to the car then, my legs controlling my body and not the other way around. 

"Cindy, it'll be okay, it's just one day at school. If everything goes alright today, we know it's going to alright later, okay?"

How wrong Jimmy had been. He was so stupid in terms of life, and sometimes I wondered if he actually knew anything. His voice was soothing, though, and I trusted him for the moment that would decide the rest of my day.

If only I had chosen otherwise. If only I had chosen to stay at Jimmy's house. If only I had chosen to never enter those doors...

* * *

Class. It was torture. And it was torture in terms of 'I never thought life could go by this slowly'. 

"Miss Vortex, will you please pay attention? I had to ask you this ten times already and it's only first period!"

I looked at Miss Donaldson in distaste and shrugged, showing her I could really care less about anything right now. But of course she would take that as a personal insult, and I was rewarded with a piece of paper that stated, "DETENTION".

I sighed, my heart feeling heavier than anything ever before, and I tucked the piece of paper in my pocket, sighing once more. I looked at the quiz we had just taken and graded that sat before me on the desk, my slanting, looping handwriting covering the whole page. It was some guy's paper, a guy named Jeremiah Woolever. I had never known he was in this class, let alone this town. Was he new to this school? This state?

"Now, everyone, hand back those quizzes to the owner."

A rustle of papers, loud laughing and talking. I stood up slowly and approached the dark haired boy that I had never known existed. He barely looked up before he took the paper from my hand, glancing at it for a second before stuffing it in his backpack.

"Everyone sit down, please," rang out Miss Donaldson's oily voice. How I depised it... I shuffled over to my desk once more and sat down, my hair falling over my face as I looked bleakly out the window.

Her droll mind compared nothing to Jimmy's.. The boy who had saved my life. Sometimes I thought he was crazy for loving me, and I could barely ask myself, 'Who could blame him?'. I wasn't really a sight for sore eyes... I was more of a sore sight for eyes...

Nick flew back into my mind, and I gasped inwardly at the sight of Nick's signature sneer appearing before my mind's eye. He scared me so, but my father could overshadow Nick like a tower. Perhaps I had a plan going in my head... Was it a good idea? Was it really?

Now I was truly going crazy. Conversing with myself in English class? How despicable. No, you're not to blame, Cindy... It is your father and Nick who has shattered your shield. It is your father and Nick who has stomped on you all your life. It is your father and Nick who you should blame...

_I think I might be losing my mind, _I thought, my hand brushing imaginative hands away from my body. What my father and Nick had done for so long had now become a habit... I could hardly bring myself to imagine myself without them though. Did they belong in my life like Jimmy did? Did anyone belong in my life?

The bell rung and Miss Donaldson tried desperately to tell the students rushing out like a stampeding herd of cows of the homework she was assigning for the weekend. I stayed in my seat and stayed gazing out the window, at least until a shadow fell on me.

"Hey," said the boy whose paper I had graded. What was his name again? Jeremy? John? No. Jeremiah.

"Hi," I replied, gathering up my books and tucking them into my backpack. Apparently he was intent on following me out of the class and I let him, unknowing of the trouble he could cause me. Or was it the safety?

"So.. How are you?" He appeared timid and young, something rarely seen in an AP English class which consisted mainly of seniors. Who was this kid? I had never seen him before, yet he seemed to know me.

"Who are you?" I asked, my voice a tad bit more suspicious than I had planned. But he seemed rather unfazed by all of this and shrugged it off, offering to take my backpack in the meantime.

"I'm just a guy who lives in this town. Who also happens to know you quite a lot."

Know me? How could he say such a thing? He probably didn't know what my favorite ice cream flavor was, if I happened to ever ask him of course.

"How would you know me?" I asked, intrigued. "And I never noticed you here before... Have you been here long?"

Jeremiah stayed silent for a moment and I thought that maybe I had offended him, but he smiled at me almost right after.

"I know you. Trust me. I know you've never noticed me. Except for that one time in second grade during Christmas when you saw me in my costume for the play and you said that you liked it and that it was really nice. Then I told you that my mom made it. And yeah, I've been here long."

I stared at him as we walked slowly toward those double doors, but I simply stood before them, a sense of foreboding covering my body.

"I don't want to leave," I whispered. How ironic, was it not, that I had feared entering this place of misery, but now I feared leaving it, knowing something, anything at all, could spring upon me as I left.

Jeremiah stared back at me and he made a grab for my arm, seeing as I had stumbled back a few steps, my stomach feeling as if bugs had crawled inside, and my head feeling as if someone had just stuck it in a roaring fire.

"Take me... Jimmy," I managed to mutter as I fell into a black abyss.


	12. Green Eyes

**Pain  
Chapter 12**

Darkness. It covered me like bugs on a summer night. Darkness scared me.

_"Jimmy? Are you there?"_

My voice penetrated the darkness, but only a little bit and a little while. It seemed to absorb everything as I went and I wept, my heart feeling as if it were falling apart. Why was I here? Was this a dream? What was going on?

_"Cindy? Wake up, Cin'. Please?"_

I sat at rapt attention at the soft and echoing voice that reverberated around in the darkness. It had sounded of Jimmy. Was he here with me in this odd place?

_"Cindy... Wake up... Please.."_

Wake up? So I was sleeping? Well, that would explain all the darkness, all the echoes. I shuddered at the thought of Jimmy crying over my sleeping body. Most likely Libby was there too...

I reached out my hand out of the darkness and peeled the stretchy covering of sleep away from my body, the darkness coming off like a banana peel. I took a deep breath before plunging my head out into the light, hoping to God that I wasn't doing something stupid, hoping that I was indeed asleep and not stuck in some kind of alien contraption.

* * *

I blinked a couple times, trying to clear my head, and then I stared straight ahead of me, a person blocking the light away from my face, making it seem like that person was just a big, dark blob. School. Was I still at school? I looked around, and seeing lockers, I realized that it was obviously school. Or was it a prison? Either way, I felt trapped.

"Cindy? Are you okay?"

A booming voice penetrated my mind, and a aching feeling appeared in my head. Migraine? Whatever for? I mumbled nonsense things at the person who was trying to wake me up fully, and then, finally, I got irritated and smacked the hand that was shaking my shoulder away.

"God, I'm fine, will you stop talking?"

The person in front of me scooted back a few inches, barely giving me enough room to sit up. Who was this? Libby? No. It sounded like a guy. Jimmy? No. He had a more... A smoother voice. Who was this?

I tried to focus my eyes and stared straight ahead, my vision still blurry.

"Cindy? Are you okay? It's me, Jeremiah... Remember?"

I pushed him away and sat up even further, my head throbbing, my skin feeling as if it were on fire.

"What the hell happened?"

He helped me stand up, and I blinked rapidly, my eyes feeling dry and raw. Had they been open when I had been sleeping? Impossible. Yet they felt as if they were just stuck into a fire to melt like a marshmallow.

Jeremiah worriedly supported me, his hand too far down on my back for me to be comfortable. It was as if he was yearning to touch me; it was that creepy. Perhaps I shouldn't make him sound like a perv, but I couldn't help it; being around guys like Nick and my dad had forced me to think this way. Besides, Jimmy was the only one in my life now.

"You fainted, Cindy, all of a sudden, you fainted."

I pushed him away, but relentlessly, he pushed back further into my personal space bubble. What was with him?

"Let go," I muttered, feeling lightheaded again. He steadied me even more, myself wondering where the hell Jimmy was, and why the hell no one else was helping me. Couldn't anyone see me swaying as if I was on a ship during a stormy night? That's what my head felt like, a stormy night. Argh. My head wasn't even on straight, yet I seemed as if I could pass my SAT's in a heartbeat. What was with this? Was I sick? Had I eaten something weird? What was going on?

I lifted a hand to my forehead and withdrew it half a second later; my forehead was blazing hot, almost as if I could fry an egg on my body. A fever? So I was sick. Perhaps I wasn't though, perhaps I was simply suffering from a really bad fever and that was it. Or was I just talking crazy because I was sick? I made no sense to myself, even as I said it to myself, and I muttered to myself.

"Take me home... Jimmy? Take me... Bed."

I fell again, but I remained conscious, my eyes barely staying open. I felt myself being caught by Jeremiah, and he held me up and yelled something I couldn't tell apart from Spanish, a language I was now fluent in, making someone run over and help him support me. What was going on? If I was so sick, shouldn't I have stayed unconscious from the first time I had collapsed?

I felt myself being dragged out the door, the thing I had been dreading, the thing I had planned on doing before I had blacked out. Then I felt myself being dragged all the way to the curb, where someone in a car was waiting. Who was it? It was someone wearing a tie, a crisp white dress shirt, and dress slacks.

And green eyes.

It was my father. I couldn't believe my blurred vision as I was shoved, not that gently, might I say, into the passenger seat. My father took off a moment after the door shut, not even bothering to pay attention to me groaning as my pounding headache made me feel nauseous, and my stomache made my head pound.

"Cindy," he breathed breezily, "You need to be more careful, Cindy. I knew you'd catch something from that neighbor boy."

_Shut up you asshole, you weren't even here for four years of my life!_ I felt like screaming, _You could care less about this and you could careless whether I died!_

Why was my mind making me scream those things? Especially in my mind, where only I, who already knew these things, could hear it. Was it my heart telling me it was time to come clean and tell him what was on my mind? Although I had come close years ago, the day after my thirteenth birthday, I never had had the courage to actually do so.

I managed to mumble a few words that I didn't even know existed, and I moved my head from side to side, my mind still foggy from my fever. Or was it a fever? Maybe it was the flu.. Who cared anymore? Why was I debating with myself what I had caught? It no longer mattered, there was no point. Why didn't I just yell at him? Why couldn't I?

"Cindy," he said in his malignant tone, "We're here."

Here? Where was here? Here was nowhere, I tell you, and nowhere was here. Was I making sense? Was _he_ making sense? What was sense, anyway, and why did anyone care? What was I going on about?

"Out Cindy, get out. And get ready."

Ready?


	13. Lamplight

**Pain  
Chapter 13**

Back at our house again. Of course. I always knew my father was very into being dramatic, but I didn't know he had sunk so low. Perhaps it was because he hadn't seen me in four years and he had gotten out of touch with his acting skills..

My vision swirled around, my headache still not dissipating. What was going on? Seriously. This act of my body's was getting so old. But perhaps... What if I was terminally ill? No. Couldn't be. Psychological issues? But would that really be a reason for me to feel physical pain? Maybe. I'd heard depression gave you aches; did I have something that makes me feel like crap? Literally?

"Ooooh, Cindy," sang my father, his tone serious, but sounding fun. Was this too confusing? I hoped not. "Are you ready to talk, dear?"

Of course. That was why he told me to get ready! He wanted to force me to do something, or better yet, force me to agree with him so he feels like he has absolute power over me! Wait, that's not right... Huh, was this "sickness" affecting my brain? What had my brain done to provoke it so? Oh, well, that was too bad.

"Cindy," he said with a sigh. "You need to stop seeing that boy."

Jimmy? That was the reason why he acted like an ass to me? What a weirdo. Well, that would explain my obvious dislike for him. Or was it the fact that he abused me for so long?

"You want to know why you can't see that boy? The neighbor boy? Because he is evil. That's why."

What the hell was he talking about? Because he was evil? Jimmy was much less evil than anyone I knew. I suppose my dad was confusing Jimmy with himself...

"And you want to know why I say this?"

I nodded slowly, my blurred vision still blurry, and my nauseous stomach still nauseous.

"I say this because..." He added a pause for effect, raising his eyebrow and a harsh twinkle in his eye. "Your precious little Jimmy has been caught!"

Caught? Caught in what? What was my dad smoking?

"Caught cheating on you!"

Stunned, I stared at my father, who seemed quite giddy that my life had just crashed down before me for the umpteenth time. My initial reaction was the yell and throw things at my father, storm out and stab Jimmy through the heart. But perhaps initial reactions were just our body's way of telling us to shut up and calm down. Or maybe it was our body's way of telling us to follow that stinkin' reaction and kill everyone in your path!

"Jimmy," I said, my voice sounding warped to my ears. "Would never, in all the world, cheat on me."

My father, the twinkle in his eye not disappearing, smirked at me and my apparent, but weak, defiance.

"You really think so, don't you?" he sneered, laughter hinting at his old but handsome face. "You are so naive, my little princess, so naive. It's all right, you've got me, don't you?"

I shook my head dumbly, still surprised. I stood up on shaky legs and I stumbled outside, my dad's laughter ringing in my ears. Struggling, I made my way to Jimmy's house, my heart pounding harder than it had ever pounded before. My legs still feeling like jello, I climbed the two steps onto Jimmy's porch. I tried the doorknob, and surprisingly, it opened... I made my way up the stairs, hearing... Hearing noises. I stood in front of Jimmy's door, bracing myself for the worst.

Maybe bracing myself for the worst wasn't good enough.

I spotted discarded clothes trailing up to Jimmy's bed from the door. A couple of them I recognized, and some of them were familiar, yet I couldn't place them. Apparently the noises I had heard were noises of pleasure, seeing as two figures in the bed were pushing each other around, moaning.

Inside I felt myself shatter, once again, the pieces from the prior heart-shattering moment breaking again. Nothing could have ever prepared me for this. Nothing in all of the world.

As I stared at the two figures, they didn't notice me, but after I opened my mouth and started screaming; louder than anything, they noticed me.

"Oh my God, Cindy!" yelled Jimmy, pushing himself away from the other person, wrapping the mess of blankets and sheets around his body, shielding himself from me. Never had he done that. Never. We had done _this_ before, but never so... So passionately. And never had he covered himself.

"Cindy?" asked the other voice nervously, as if testing the waters. A head with messy hair popped out from behind the curtain of sheets and I stared as my former best friend, the one of two people allowed inside my cocoon of trust, feeling as if someone had just stabbed me, literally and metaphorically, although it was natural that I did; they _had_ just stabbed me in the back.

Still stunned too much to talk, I stared at the two most valued people in my life as they stumbled out of bed and struggled to pull their clothes on. Their movements were awkward, almost as if they preferred that I be gone from their lives right now. After a few more minutes, I gathered enough composure, or an illusion of composure, to tell Jimmy that he was no longer needed.

"Cindy," he cried desperately. "Wait! Let me explain!"

How many times had boys said this to girls in movies and books? How many times had girls believed them? How many times must my heart endure this pain? How much longer did I have?

"No more!" I yelled, tears stinging my eyes. "No more am I going to let everyone walk all over me! No more am I going to stay silent! No more am I going to even _try_ to endure this pain!"

Sobbing, my head aching, my stomach aching, I stumbled out of Jimmy's house and I ran. I ran to the park where it was the only safe place. The only thing close to safe.

* * *

I laid down next to the large oak tree, watching the last of the sunlight disappear, watching the creatures of the night emerge. Junkies, whores, so-called gangsters. Maybe Retroville wasn't so much Retroville as it used to be... Before, it was all nice. Before, Jimmy's mom would make everyone cookies. Before, I wouldn't be so messed up. Before, Jimmy would never do that. Ever. 

I stared up above me, watching the distant stars drift out of my vision as sleep overtook me. I tried to fight it but the yearning for rest was too much to resist. I let it take me, just as I had let my dad take me, just as I had let Nick take me, just as I had Jimmy take me.

* * *

Bits of dreams drifted in and out of my mind, everything fuzzy. I spotted things I recognized, and also things I couldn't tell from the grass underneath me. Everything seeming of smoke, I stumbled through my dreams, waking up for no reason as the gentle breeze blew my hair around. 

A rustle of leaves; I heard someone, or worse, something, stir beside me. I bolted up, peerig around with bleary eyes.

"Who's there?" I whispered, fear taking over my body. "Who's there?"

The shadows drifted as the person, or thing, moved closer to me, still seeming like a blob in the dark.

"It's me," the person whispered back to me. _Me who?_ I wondered. _Who could have known that I was here?_

"Me?"

The figure scooted closer to me, making me draw back, closer to the oak tree. The shadows dissipated as he moved into the lamplight, something that had appeared after I had fallen asleep.

"It's me, Cindy," he whispered. "It's Sheen."


	14. Revelations?

**Pain  
Chapter 14**

Sheen inched closer to me and I relaxed, not bothering to realize that he might be here on orders of Nick. But most likely he wasn't. Or was he? Confusion etched into my face, I stared at Sheen, wondering why he was even here. Wait, I already wondered that, didn't I?

"Cindy?" he asked quietly. "You saw, didn't you?"

Saw? Saw what? As I pondered this, Sheen crept even closer, so close that I could see the dark stubble that was lining his narrow jaw. Tears seemed to be edging their way out of his eyes as he looked me over, my disheveled appearance, the sad expression on my face.

"You did see, didn't you? You saw Jimmy and Libby together, didn't you?"

So that was what he had been talking about. Of course. Of course. I nodded slowly, watching every movement that he made. He had never been like this before in his entire life; I would know, I always had watched him. Him and everyone else in this town.

"Did you ever think it was possible?"

I watched him still, watching as he wrapped his thin, long arms around his long legs; something he accumulated over the years.

"Yes." My cryptic answer seemed puzzling to him, and I saw the tears that had been in his eyes a moment earlier fall down slowly, ever so slowly down his dark-skinned face.

Gulping for breath, he leaned against the tree and wept, pouring out all of the things he had kept inside of himself for many years.

"I'd always known they liked each other, always!" he wailed, reaching out to me to embrace. Hesitantly I accepted his clumsy hug, feeling his tears soak into my thin shirt.

"Why did they have to do that? Why did I have to find out? Please, Cindy, say something!"

When I stayed quiet, he clutched my arms and pushed me slightly away, staring into my eyes.

"Why won't you say anything, why?!" he whispered fiercely, his eyes emitting fire. A fire that had never burned before, but had been lit the moment he walked into Jimmy's room.

"Why!" he screamed. "Why? Why? Why? Why!"

His voice piereced my heart, and it started bleeding again, bleeding tears until eventually, both of our eyes grew dry. Why had fate delivered yet another cruel blow to me? And to Sheen? What had he done that was so wrong that he deserved this?

But then it hit me. I remembered the party I had went to with Nick about a month ago, the party where I had seen Sheen with someone other than Libby.

Had she found out and pleaded with Jimmy? Or had they been harnessing this romance for longer than we could anticipate?

"Sheen?" I whispered, feeling him stir beside me. "Did you... Were you ever unfaithful to Libby?" I asked this knowing full well that he had been, but I waited to see if he would tell me the truth.

He stayed quiet, nestling himself in my arms. I watched his many emotions as they played out on his face, and then he spoke.

"Yes. I have."

Then he started crying again, his strong arms growing frail and weak inside his letterman jacket. How was I to know that something like this could make him so sad? How was I to know something like this would make him an old man?

"Sheen, stop."

His crying ceased almost immediately, but his breathing grew shallow and he sniffled occasionally. Perhaps now, both of us were too broken to use anymore.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I'm sorry for what Libby did. And I'm sorry your best friend was involved."

Sheen's breathing grew deep and pained, and I looked at him, his eyes wide open as he stared at me, almost fearfully.

"Why are you saying sorry? What did you do? Why aren't you feeling?"

His words hit home, and I almost doubled over in my pain, my eyes starting to pour out more tears. When will any of this cease? When will the pain stop flowing?

Quickly I pushed Sheen away, my heart feeling as if it were about to burst, and I wept even more, knowing that he was still watcing me. After I slowed down my crying, I buried my head in my arms, breathing heavily.

"I'm sorry for saying what I did," he stammered, his eyes rimmed with red from all of the tears that had leaked out.

I looked up and saw Sheen staring at me, shamefaced. Immediately I felt angry at him for thinking he could treat me like that and think that I would forgive him for saying sorry. But then I realized it was me. Of course I would forgive. There was no way I couldn't.

"It's okay," I said quietly, leaning against him again.

We sat like that for a long time, so long that we were literally watching the sun come up.

"Why did you come here?" I asked, feeling curious for the first time in my life.

Quietly he replied, his face contorted into one of pain and fear. "I come here when I'm sad. I come here when I can't take it anymore. I come here when my heart is breaking."

His voice flowed through my heart and my mind, making me feel as if he was the one who suffered. But he had. He _had_ suffered.

"I'm sorry."

He stared at me then, his eyes set in a hard stare, daring me to move even an inch. I stayed still, and stared back, stared until birds were chirping above us and people were beginning to stumble into the park.

"There's no reason for you to be sorry, Cindy," he said bluntly, his voice dripping sadness. "You didn't do anything wrong."

Then I cried even more, feeling my head pulsate, feeling it ache again as the tears flowed freely once more.

"It's all my fault, all mine! I didn't... I wanted to stop everything but it wouldn't! I don't want to hurt anymore, take it all away, Sheen, I don't want it! Please... Please take it away... Please."

I fell into his arms, smelling his odd, manly smell, crying again. This night, this morning seemed to be a day of remorse, a day of tears. When will the pain cease? When will it all be over?

"Cindy," he whispered into my ear, "Come on, we have to go..."

I snuggled myself even further into his chest, breathing his scent in deeply. Hesitantly I looked up with my tear stained face, nodding.

"Okay," I muttered sleepily. "Okay..."

With that he lifted me up, and I felt at ease for the first time in my life, and it was as if I was floating. Floating along with a guy who seemed to know the meaning of pain, something most people didn't know these days...


	15. A Really Long Road

**Yes, yes, it's short. Deal with it.

* * *

****Pain****  
Chapter 15**

Images of Jimmy and Libby taunting me drifted in and out of my mind, making me moan sadly into Sheen's chest as he carried me somewhere. Where was he taking me, I wondered, then I fell into a deep slumber, too tired to wonder and question anymore...

* * *

_I saw Libby standing. Standing alone by Jimmy's house, she seemed sad, and I approached her, noticing that her eyes seemed lifeless._

_"Libby?" I asked, my voice floating on the air, so thick it was making me gag. "Libby? Are you okay?"_

_In a daze, Libby stumbled away, disappearing in the mist. I tried following her, but my arms and legs felt like lead, melting into the ground. Soon I was sitting on the ground, once more a little girl of six, watching my father and mother make out on the couch. Angrily, my mother tore away from my father, yelling at me to go to my room._

_I stood up slowly and made my way to the stairs, but apparently this wasn't fast enough for my mother. Whizzing by my ear came a heavy, glass paperweight. Soon after, a shoe. Gasping for breath, I ran to my room, crying for my teddy bear. _

_Then the background melted away into nothing, and I was in the back of Nick's car, watching myself and Nick together. Nick seemed like he was enjoying the night, but when I looked at myself I saw an empty girl, someone who had already died._

_And I wept, wept some more as I realized who I was._

_I was simply another girl in the lives of many people, drifting in and out, never saying a word, never being a person. Who was I now? Had I changed? Or was I still a ghost?_

* * *

I cried out suddenly and struck out with my arms and legs, relieved for a moment at the fact that they weren't lead. But for some reason, I hit something, and I heard that something cry out, a deep, male voice. 

Who was it?

When I looked over, over to where the voice had come, I noticed Sheen rubbing his forehead, a dark red bump starting to swell.

"I'm so sorry," I gasped, righting myself on Sheen's couch so that I was face to face with him. "I didn't... I didn't mean to hit you."

Smiling, he waved me off, seeming happy that I even cared. "It's fine, Cindy, don't worry."

Soon we were smiling at each other, sitting in the silence. But it felt right, just sitting there with him, it felt like I belonged there, as if I should never leave. It was as if I should have been here all along.

"Listen," whispered Sheen, wrapping his arm around me. "I want you to know that I care, okay? That I'm here for you. Always have been."

Blushing slightly, I nodded, feeling the heat of my cheeks spread to my neck, and then further down my body. Still I stayed silent, feeling like I had before, when I had never said anything to anyone, when Nick had absolute power over me.

"Cindy," he breathed, "I want you to know that I'm not friends with Nick, okay?"

How had he known that I was thinking about Nick? How had he known that I was wondering exactly that question?

"Okay," I whispered, feeling the heat from Sheen's body intoxicate mine. "Okay."

Slowly he rested his lips on mine, and I felt him tremble, knowing that he was feeling unsure of this. Reluctantly I pulled myself away, knowing this wasn't the right time. I knew we weren't ready yet.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, "I didn't mean to. I didn't... I mean, I meant to... I didn't know if you wanted it or not."

He smiled at me, still unsure. I smiled back, but more cheerfully than he had.

"Sheen." I smiled once more. "I did want it. It's not that I don't want it. It's because I think that we're not really at that.. That time yet."

Immediately after I said this, I regretted it, knowing that Sheen would be disappointed.

"I'm sorry."

After a moment of silence, he looked up and shrugged. "It's okay. Do you want to go home now?"

As he said this, I saw the ghost of my father smiling wickedly at me in my mind, and I clutched onto Sheen's arm.

"No," I whispered. "No."

"What's wrong?" he asked, genuinely concerned. I shook my head and then I wrapped myself around him, crying once more. We sat like that for a while, but then I looked up at Sheen, staring at his lips. It had felt very good when he had kissed me, unsure as he was, and I was pondering whether I should kiss him now, regardless of what I had said a moment ago.

Oddly, I continued wondering whether I should kiss him right now, right there, and I fantasized about it, making me feel warmer and warmer inside. And soon it was overpowering me, making me a crazy, addicted woman. I was quickly pushing him down, putting my lips to his, prying his lips apart until both of us were hot and sweating. I ran my hands over his chest and he moaned, doing the same for me. I moaned in synch to his moans, and I pulled up his shirt, noticing that he had quite a few muscles.

We were crazy that night, not stopping even as the sun came up, another sunrise to add to the one the day before. Apparently I had slept most of the morning and afternoon earlier, and it had been night when I woke up and struck Sheen in the head.

What a night it was. What a guy he was.

But I knew this would do little to satisfy me, knowing that I had to settle the score with the many men who had destroyed me over the years, knowing that I had a long road to travel down before I could be satisfied.

But the upside was that I had another person, an equal half to me, to walk down that road with.


	16. Ditching Class

**Pain  
Chapter 16**

I was still a tormented woman. Someone who wasn't going to let this go easily. I was someone who wanted revenge.

"What's up, Cindy?" asked Sheen, "You seem... Messed."

Messed? Nice choice of words.. I shook my head and laid my head back down on the pillow, staring into Sheen's eyes. He was too nice to me, and in a part of myself, I kept thinking that he would hurt me. Maybe it was because of Jimmy, the one boy I had given my undying trust to, and who broke it. Maybe it was simply because I just didn't trust anyone anymore, but I knew there was no point in living if I was living it alone. Maybe there was a need for a guy in my life... Maybe I need anyone in my life. Or maybe I just need another handhold so I wouldn't fall.

"Nothing's wrong... And messed? Nice choice of words, UltraGeek."

He scowled at my old insult for him, but I knew that he loved it inside. Smiling, he sat up and picked up his shirt off the floor, hastily putting it on.

"We're lucky yesterday was a weekend... But today's Monday, so we might need to get dressed for school."

I pouted playfully at this, but I picked up my clothes, standing up and putting them on slowly.

"You know... We can just call in sick and ditch."

He smiled back at me and I placed a slow and warm kiss on his lips. His oh-so-full-and-pouty-Mexican-moustached-lips. I had never known he was going to grow any facial hair, but on him... It seemed perfect. He screwed up his face in mock thought, but a moment later, he laughed, throwing my sock at me. It bounced off my head and I picked it up slowly, pulling it on.

"Okay," he exclaimed on the way to his car, "We'll ditch. Good?"

I smiled at him and pulled open the door, settling into his car. I inhaled his scent that plagued every space of the car, and I noticed that there was a visible amount of junk in the backseat.

"Do you _ever_ clean your car?" I asked in mock disgust, picking up a sticky soda can and handing it to him. "It's gross."

Sheen stuck out his tongue and threw the soda can away behind him, the can landing with a clank on his neighbor's driveway. Quickly he got into the driver's seat, inserting the key into the ignition and turning the engine over. As we rode out of his neighborhood, I glanced at the kids playing tag across the street, noticing they looked oddly like the "gang" had when we were in fifth grade.

"Where are your parents?" I asked, curious at the fact that no one had come home last night.

After a moment of silence, he replied, a solemn expression taking over his face.

"Mom died when I was five. Dad's an alcoholic. He only comes here to yell at me and beg me for money."

"Oh."

Sheen shrugged and drove silently to the Candy Bar, still the hottest hangout in the town. We got out silently when we reached our destination, we got in the shop silently when we reached the door, and we sat down silently when we reached an open booth.

"Listen," I muttered, "I'm sorry for mentioning your parents..."

"It's all right," he said, interrupting quickly. "Just drop it."

I nodded slowly, confused. He didn't want to talk about it? Well... Of course. We had only just begun our relationship, yet I felt closer to him than I had ever before.

"You know," I mumbled, "You're not the only one with a messed up dad."

Sheen nodded grimly, since he probably knew that Jimmy's dad was quite abusive also.

"My dad," I said, pausing for a moment. "Abused me."

He looked up and raised a curious eyebrow, beckoning for more. Apparently he wasn't going to talk unless I talked.

"He molested me when I was 11 to when I was 12. Then he starting raping me until I was 14."

Shocked with this information, Sheen grabbed my hand, a sad expression plaguing his otherwise handsome features. Kissing my hand slowly, he cried, silent tears sliding down his cheeks. I reached up and wiped them away, sadness replacing any shred of happiness of excitement in my heart from being with him last night.

"I'm sorry for... For telling you to drop it," he managed to choke out. "I didn't know."

"No one did."

Sheen closed his eyes and smiled slowly, and I smiled back, even if he couldn't see me. A jingle rung in the air, the sign of another person entering the shop. I turned around, for some odd reason, and saw someone I hadn't seen for a while.

Nick.

He was scanning the shop, looking for someone, and I had a pretty good idea who. His eyes finally settled on me and Sheen and he scowled, heading our way.

"Hello, Cindy," he hissed, "And who do we have here? Sheen Estevez. Interesting."

I managed to keep on a straight face, trying hard not to show him how scared I was. But he seemed to sense it all, making me shiver.

"Well, Cindy, I think it's time for us to go home... I haven't seen you for a month and it's making me all sad inside," he said mockingly, clutching his hands to his chest. I frowned and looked away, disgusted. But had I any say in this? Not likely, especially if Nick was still Nick.

I shook my head at Nick and pulled Sheen to his feet, his dark brown eyes trained on Nick's almost black ones.

"Cindy isn't yours anymore, Nick. She hasn't been for a long time."

Nick raised an eyebrow and laughed. "Oh ho! So she's yours then?"

Laughing, Nick stood up, his six feet of height overpowering Sheen's five and seven inches.

"You think you can just _replace _me with an idiot like him? Oh, and don't forget about Neutron! I heard he was fucking your best friend behind your back, right?"

I glared at Nick, astounded he had found out. He seemed to be giddy at the fact that I was devastated, but deep inside his eyes, I saw a hint of anger. Did he actually care about me? Even now?

"Shut up!" I yelled, squeezing my eyes closed, imagining Nick getting run over by a car. "You have no right to treat me this way! So just stop it! Shut up!"

With my eyes open slightly, I grabbed Sheen's hand and ran out, tears streaming down my cheeks. I didn't know why, but my heart was pounding, and it _wasn't _because Nick was re-telling the story of Jimmy and Cindy.

Maybe I still felt something for him.


	17. Be My Escape

**Pain  
Chapter 17**

Why had my stomach turned when I had seen Nick? Was there still something left? There was no way that could be happening... Yet it seemed to be happening right now...

"Cindy?" asked Sheen, "Are you okay? Nick was an ass for saying that, so don't mind him..."

I shook my head and managed a smile, reassuring him the way I knew best. I gave him a quick kiss on the lips and faced my right side, staring out the window. It had started raining when we had left the shop, and now... Now the raindrops looked like tears running down my face, the face that was reflected on the window. But still, it felt like I was crying, it felt like I _should_ be crying. Why did I feel like this? Why _must_ I feel like this?

"I'm perfectly fine, Sheen, don't worry about me, okay?"

I saw out of the corner of my eye that he was unsure, but soon after, he took my words to heart and relaxed.

"Good, because I have a fun day planned for us," he said with a smile. Puzzled, I looked at him, noticing that he was grinning broadly. What had he planned? And where was it going to be? Surely not outside, for it was raining...

"Where?"

He grinned mischieviously, his eyebrows skyrocketing. "You'll see."

Sighing, I knew he would never give it away, so I continued to stare out the window...

* * *

_His face was filled with worry. _

_After puberty, Nick's hotness had disappeared, and acne covered his face, and he had undergone a gawky growth spurt, making him look gangly and too thin for his height. But still I remained faithful to him, remembering how he had been before, how sauve he had been. Late in the year, us fourteen, almost fifteen year olds had nothing but the opposite sex on our minds. Even gangly, too thin looking Nick._

_"So, Cindy, what kind of music do you like?"_

_We had only just started going out, and he was sweating profusely, his shirt damp, the back of it sticking to him. In fact, tonight was our very first date. _

_"Well," I said, this being before I was 'Silent Cindy', "I kind of like everything. Except for maybe polka, and waltz and stuff like that."_

_Nodding, Nick took a sip from his ginormous container of soda. "Cool. I like rap. And hip hop."_

_We sat in silence for the next ten minutes, waiting for the movie to begin. When it did, Nick started yawning, spreading his arms. Absentmindedly, I smiled to myself, grabbing the popcorn tub. Nick continued yawning and stretching, unsuccessfully, while I began munching on our popcorn. Although he had been the 'playa' back in elementary school, his 'skills' seemed to be growing rusty._

_Thirty __minutes into the movie, he whispered in my ear. "Hey, Cindy, you look really pretty tonight."_

_I blushed and almost giggled, but instead, I quickly stuffed popcorn in my mouth, staring intently at the screen. On the screen, a girl and a boy were walking and talking, but it seemed like the girl was really mad at the guy. He was apolgizing, but she was pretending not to hear. Apparently, he had done something wrong (something I missed in that thirty minutes where Nick was distracting me) and the girl had gotten together with another guy.. Storming into a crowded shop of some sorts (kind of like the Candy Bar), the girl saw the guy she was now together with hugging this other girl and she was angry... The main girl ran up to the other guy, screaming at him. Now she was mad at both of the guys... But she started to talk to the first guy, and he started quoting this song they used to love to listen together and she got all teary-eyed and the main girl hugged the first guy... _

_Happy ending. Apparently the movie had absorbed me, since it had already come to its conclusion, it being the main girl and the main guy runnig off together, being all happy._

_Walking out of the theater, Nick made a grab at my hand, but I quickly lifted it, placing it in my jacket pocket. He seemed peeved that I was playing so hard to get, but he didn't seem like he was giving up._

_"So," exclaimed Nick, putting his hands behind his head. "What did you think of this movie?"_

_I shrugged and dropped the empty popcorn tub into a nearby trash can, digging a piece of gum out of my pocket. "It was okay. I thought it was way too unrealistic though."_

_Nick nodded and made a grab for my hand again, and this time I let him have it, smiling at his sweaty hand. Normal girls would have been disgusted, but I took it as a good sign, noting that when someone starts sweating, it means they're nervous, which means the person they're with makes them nervous, which means they like that person. _

_Slowly we made our way to my house, relaxing in the silence. Soon we were there, and I let go of Nick's hand, smiling warmly at him._

_"Well," I sighed, "Good night."_

_Nick smiled back and he grabbed my hand again, turning me back around. "I had a really nice night tonight, Cindy. And..."_

Here it comes,_ I thought, _He's going to confess his undying love to me!

_"And... I really like you, Cindy. Will you be my girlfriend?"_

_I nodded happily, reaching out to hug him. He grasped me tightly, almost afraid that I would let go. Slowly we let each other go, and he smiled again. Soon Nick was leaning into me, resting his lips on mine. I marvelled at his soft touch, and I breathed in deep, feeling euphoric at his smell. He smelled like most boys; deoderant and sweat._

_When we pulled apart he smiled at me again, grabbing my hand and squeezing it lightly before letting it go. _

_"Good night, Cindy. Sleep tight."_

_I smiled back at him, placing one last kiss on his cheek. How sweet he had been back then... Now... He was... Strange._

_

* * *

_

"Cindy?"

Startled, I sat up quickly, hitting my head on the window. I rubbed my head and turned to my side, where Sheen's voice had so rudely interrupted my dream. What had brought it on? Why did the memories of Good Nick suddenly pop into my head?

"Huh?" I mumbled, pulling my light jacket tighter. The rain had made everything cold, including Sheen's car, which seemed like an icicle. Apparently the heater was broken, judging from the apologetic look he had just given me.

"Sorry for waking you up, Cindy." He pointed his chin behind me, making me turn around. I saw that we were at Camelot, a mini-golf course/arcade. So that's what he meant by fun. Too bad I sucked at video games. Plus it rained, so I couldn't kick his butt in miniture golf.

Smiling at Sheen, I opened the door, running from the rain and into the warm (or more so hot) front lobby of Camelot. I heard Sheen whoop as he followed me into the stifling room.

Still laughing, Sheen grabbed his wallet, taking out a couple twenties. He took them to the token machine, exchanging the bills for a mass of shining coins. He quickly placed them inside a complimentary cup, bringing them to me. I smiled and took the cup from him, running to the zombie game.

But as I ran, I saw glimpses of myself and my parents, laughing as we played video games... That had been so long ago... Why were all these memories coming back to me now?

I was soon jolted from my mind as I ran into someone, spilling a bunch of my tokens.

"Watch where you're going!" exclaimed the person I ran into. He turned around, staring at me with amazing blue eyes.

Jimmy.

I suddenly felt tears in my eyes and I stood up quickly, running to the nearest exit. I choked back many tears, feeling the rain pound down on my flimsy clothes. I heard someone running behind me, screaming my name and begging me to stop. But I kept on going until I was in a small field consisting of a lot of overgrown grass and a couple trees. I dived down to the ground underneath the first tree I got to, trying not to look up, trying to keep myself from wanting to talk to Jimmy. I knew it was him that had run after me, I had heard his voice too many times not to recognize it.

"Cindy," he panted, and I could hear the pain in his voice as he sat down next to my unmoving body. "I'm sorry."

Sorry? That wasn't enough.

"I know, I know, sorry means nothing, and I should just never had done what I had, but... But..."

I snorted quietly into the grass, breathing in dirt. I coughed and sat up, hoping I didn't get bugs in my nose. I still didn't face Jimmy though, and I looked down at the ground, watching a leave flutter in the wind.

"Look," he said with a sigh. "I don't even have a good excuse for what I did. No, I don't even have a bad excuse! I don't have any excuse!"

Now I looked at him. He looked bedraggled, and I felt pity for him for a moment. But only a moment. What he had done... Had killed me. I had died, another time, yes, I had died.

Softly, he began singing a song we had loved to listen to, a song by Relient K, a song called Be My Escape.

"I've given up on giving up slowly, I'm blending in so you won't even know me, apart from this whole world that shares my fate. This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption..."

Soon I was sucked into a world not too much unlike the one I was hoping for, one that I had lived with Jimmy before he had killed me. I was watching myself with him, again and again, snuggling, cuddling. It was killing me again.

"And I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key. And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me. And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go, promise I'm going because, I gotta get outta here, I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake. I gotta get outta here. And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I'm begging you to be my escape..."

I started crying then, feeling the tears trickle slowly down my face. Why did he make me feel this way? How did he know exactly what to do to make me love him? But what had made him do the one thing that would kill me?

"I am a hostage to my own humanity. Self detained and forced to live in this mess I've made. And all I'm asking is for you to do what you can with me. But I can't ask you to give what you already gave ..."

Slowly but surely I was falling for him again, and I felt myself move over to where he was sitting, his eyes closed as he sang our favorite song softly under his breath.

"I fought you for so long, I should have let you win.. Oh how we regret those things we do.. And all I was trying to do was save my own skin, but so were you..."

I looked up at Jimmy just as he stopped singing, waiting for me to finish it for him. And I did, once again handing him my heart.

"So were You."

And we cuddled for a moment, and I looked at his reddening eyes. He had cried during the song that he so painstakingly sung for me, so I could realize that he still loved me and that he made a mistake.

"I love you, Cindy," he whispered, his voice cracking. I cringed at the sadness in his voice, but I only responded with a squeeze of his hand.

"I love you, Jimmy," I replied, closing my eyes and settling my head into his chest. Sheen was forgotten and so was Libby. So was the rest of the world. They no longer mattered. We only needed...

_Us._


	18. Losing You Again

**Pain  
Chapter 18**

When Jimmy and I had gotten back together, we had totally forgotten Sheen and Libby. When I asked Jimmy about Libby, he would remain silent.. I had left it at that, needing no reason to aggravate our situation ever again. But I had not completely forgotten Sheen. I still remembered how he had held me up when I was falling down, how he was so sweet, how he was so supporting. I didn't want to ignore him completely. So I had hunted him down the day after, trying to apologize to him... But he hadn't even acknowledged my existence. Yet.. Yet I saw a muscle twitch in his cheek. I took that for some kind of recognition of my apology...

"Cindy?" Jimmy asked quietly, "Are you okay? You're really quiet..."

I looked at Jimmy from across the lab where we had been staying at (Jimmy didn't want to stay at his house because of his dad) and smiled.

"I'm okay."

Jimmy watched me for a moment, but nodded curtly before turning back to his new invention. "Okay."

He had so gracefully taken me in. I was so grateful, plus I had forgiven him and it no longer mattered to me anymore. And he was making me fall in love with him every day...

"Jimmy?" I asked, looking shamefully down at the rocky ground. He turned to me and raised an eyebrow.

"Hmm?" I gulped down air, feeling my palms start sweating.

"I might... I might..." I heard his footsteps as he walked toward where I was sitting on his couch. Around it sat empty Purple Flurp cans and candy bar wrappers. I felt a shudder go through my body as I remembered that was what Nick's car had inside of it. Jimmy sat down beside me and lifted my head by cupping my chin with his hand.

"What is it?" he asked softly, his eyebrows furrowed with worry. I stared into his deep blue eyes, thinking his eyes were the perfect shade of dark blue...

"I might still have feelings for Nick."

There. I had said it. But I had told Jimmy that I had never had feelings for Nick.. How was he going to take this?

"What?" he gasped, apparently shocked. "I thought... What? When did you realize this?"

"Last week. When Sheen and I were at the Candy Bar before heading to Camelot. Nick was there. And when he looked at me..." I felt another shudder go through my body as I remembered the playful, but scary, glint in Nick's eyes as he glared at me. For some reason, his gaze had made me turn to jello... His hateful attitude was appealing, oddly, and I just couldn't get it out of my head.

Jimmy, obviously, stayed silent, a dullness replacing the happiness in his eyes. "Oh."

"I'm sorry!" I wailed, "I don't know why! It's probably nothing! I probably don't even have feelings for him! I probably... I probably..."

I collapsed into his arms, still wailing. I made no sense to myself as I kept crying gibberish, and I managed to sit up and quiet down as Jimmy stroked my hair, my cheek.

"Don't worry, I understand. Don't worry."

I felt myself sniffle, and I looked deeply into his now dull eyes. The blue had faded... It was as if he had aged ten years in ten seconds... I felt horrible.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, placing kissed along his jawline and down to his neck. "I'm sorry."

Jimmy lifted my head from where I had once again settled it against his chest. "It's okay, really! Don't worry."

As he comforted me, I felt myself drift off to sleep, my eyes closing, feeling myself drift into a dream, a memory...

* * *

_Sixteen. Two years until Nick's full transformation. This was when his acne was slowly disappearing, his hotness returning. He had fllled out, looking more and more like a male model than a cover boy for Geeks magazine... This was when he was still nice._

_"Cindy!"_

_I looked for Nick, who was across the room from me, and smiled as I spotted his shiny hair. He waved before running to me, and I spread my arms for a hug. He ran straight into me, and we enveloped each other in our arms._

_"Cindy," he breathed, "I missed you so much!"_

_Missed me? We had been away from each other for an hour... How could he miss me in that short a time?_

_"I missed you so so so so so so so so much!" exclaimed Nick, looking at me once more, his face now away from my hair, where he had been nuzzling into._

_I laughed and kissed his cheek, taking his hand and pulling him to the cafeteria, where we sat down next to Brittney and Butch. (Now a couple. Ugh.)_

_"Hey, Brittney!" I said happily, waving to Nick as he hurried over to the lunch line. "Are we going to the movies tonight or what?"_

_Butch scowled in disgust, but Brittney squealed in delight. "Are we ever! Yeah! So tonight at seven? We're all going to meet there, right?"_

_I nodded and almost laughed as Butch pulled Brittney aside to whispered not so quietly in her ear. "Babe, I thought we were going to my house tonight... And you know how I hate going to the movies, right, babe?"_

_"It's okay if you guys don't come, you know. Nick and I can watch the movie without you guys.."_

_Brittney waved my suggestion away, a smile replacing the pout on her face as she turned away from Butch. _

_"We're coming, Cindy, don't you worry!"_

_I smiled at her and grabbed Nick's hand as he settled into his seat beside me. He had brought an amazing four trays laden with cafeteria food. _

_"Dig in guys!" he said cheerfully, taking a french fry from his tray and holding it in front of my mouth. I smiled again and bit into it, closing my eyes and chewing slowly._

_"Alright, fine!" I heard Butch sigh. Again, Brittney had convinced her boyfriend into coming to the movies with us. Unlike Butch, Nick actually liked watching movies, so I had no problem there...

* * *

_

"You okay, Cindy? You're so quiet, sometimes it scares me..."

I opened my eyes and saw Jimmy look at me worriedly. I smiled and kissed his cheek, reassuring him.

"I'm fine, Jimmy! You need to stop asking me that," I said with a laugh. He sighed and wrapped his arm around me, settling his head on mine.

"I'm sorry, Cindy... It's just... You're so quiet!"

I patted his hand and stroked his cheek. "I know. It's fine. Don't worry yourself."

He smiled at me and I smiled back, kissing him softly. He felt cold underneath my lips and I settled a hand on his forehead. He was clammy.

"Are you okay, Jimmy?" I said quickly, sitting up. "You're all cold and clammy!"

"I'm fine, Cindy, don't... Don't worry," he said, his voice faint. I saw his eyelids droop and I placed a hand underneath his chin, lifting his head up, the same as he had done for me.

"No, you're not okay! I think you're sick! C'mon, we gotta get you to the hospital!"

He collapsed then, and I felt my heart break again. It was as if I was losing him. I felt myself panick, and I began watching myself as if life was once more in slow motion. What if he had another complication from the time Nick had stabbed him? Surely he was fine by now!

"Jimmy! C'mon, wake up!" I slapped his cheek lightly, but as Jimmy slept on, my slaps grew fiercer. Why wasn't he waking up?

"JIMMY!" I cried, feeling my eyes tear up. No, not again. I wasn't... I didn't want to lose him again. Not after... Not after Nick stabbed him... Never again..

Yet it was already happening.

* * *

**Hello. (It's been awhile since I put something personal into my chapters, so here goes.) This is an excerpt from a song called Hallelujah by a small band called Paramore. (They're awesome.)**

_somehow everything's gonna fall right into place  
if we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday  
if only time flew like a dove  
we gotta make it fly faster than I'm falling in love_

_this time we're not giving up  
let's make it last forever  
screaming "hallelujah"  
we'll make it last forever_

_holding onto patience, wearing thin  
I can't force these eyes to see the end  
if only time flew like a dove  
we could watch it fly and just keep looking on_

**That's not all of it (hence the excerpt part), but it's a pretty short song. They have a myspace page. Go to it!**


	19. These Memories Kill

**Pain  
Chapter 19**

Sitting in the waiting room alone made me feel less and less human. Silently I sat, watching the nurses walk by me, none of them even noticing that I had been crying the whole time I was there. Finally, after sitting there for two hours, a doctor clad in a white lab coat walked up to me and sighed, folding his glasses and placing them inside his pocket.

"Miss Vortex?" he asked quietly, "You're here on behalf of Mr. James Neutron, am I right?"

I nodded nervously and stood up, noticing my legs felt like jello and not solid flesh and bone. The doctor gave me a quick once-over and blinked, probably wondering why I looked like a hobo. Then he rubbed his forehead with his right hand, sighing again.

"I don't really know how to say this, even if I do this everyday, but.."

I trembled uncontrollably at that moment for some reason, and one of the nurses had to guide me to a chair so I could sit down before the doctor could continue.

"Mr. Neutron has a spinal tumor, along with a tumor in his brain. You did good for bringing him here, but I'm afraid the tumors have been found too late. We _can_ start treatment, but it would only slow it down, not stop it completely."

The doctor rubbed his forehead again and wiped away some sweat that had gathered there, and sighed.

"We're terribly sorry... But only if Mr. Neutron had come in sooner... He might've had some chance... But.."

By that point I was crying, feeling as if the world had been out to get me from the beginning. What if it had been? It sure felt like it. Why was all this bad stuff happening to me all of a sudden? Was it because I had gotten together with Jimmy? With Sheen? I could've dealt with Nick...

"There's nothing you can do?" I barely heard myself ask this. It felt like I was inching away from the world now, ever so slowly. I could hear how fuzzy each of our voices sounded, and how there was a loud thudding in my ears. The pain I felt in my heart already was enlarged by a hundred, and I could barely stand just sitting there. But there was nothing I could do, was there?

The doctor was barely mumbling as I just sat there, dumbly watching him. Soon I was being guided to Jimmy's room, my heart aching the whole way there. Personally, I thought the trip took way too long, for it seemed like it took us a year to get there and not a minute. Crying had no purpose now, did it?

"Here he is, Miss Vortex," I heard the doctor whisper. At least, it sounded like he whispered. Or was it because I was so devastated that it sounded like he whispered?

And I stood there. I just stood there. There was no point in moving, in living, in crying. So I just stood there. But the sight of Jimmy laying there, as fuzzy and far away as it seemed, it made me sadder and sadder. I couldn't stay away any longer.

"Please make this one bad dream," I muttered as I shuffled slowly to Jimmy's side. Maybe if it was a dream, I could scream and scream and no one would care. If this was a bad dream, I could wake up and none of this would've happened. If this was a bad dream, I could kill myself and it wouldn't matter. But then again, I could kill myself right now and it wouldn't matter.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I made my way to his side, and grabbed his hand. His skin still felt cold and clammy and I choked back sobs, watching how Jimmy's cheek would twitch every so often. He looked so peaceful though, very unlike a person that was going to die in soon. A couple months? A couple years?

Jimmy mumbled something and startled me. I sat up straight for some reason and studied his features. He was frowning now, and it seemed like he was troubled. What was wrong? A bad dream? I lay a sweaty hand on his forehead, noticing how he was slightly warmer than usual. How was it that it was only his forehead that was hot and everywhere else was cold?

"Jimmy," I said as I nudged his arm, "You okay?"

He mumbled something again and I frowned, furrowing my eyebrows. Was there something really wrong? Why wasn't he waking up? I tried once more to wake him, but unsuccessfully. Maybe it was better that he slept...

* * *

_Seventeen. The very beginning of Nick's transformation. It was a surprise, yes, when he began acting like a jerk. But what was a girl to do? Now, on his seventeenth birthday, Nick retrieved the ugly glint in his eyes, the attitude he had been so famous for from the beginning..._

_"Babe!" he yelled, "C'mon! How fucking long does it take for you to get dressed?!"_

_Obviously he was angry. Today, of all days, my alarm clock had stopped working. Of course something bad like this would happen on Nick's birthday. This morning I had scrambled to take a shower, eat _something_, and dry my hair. Now, of course, was the perfect time for Nick to come pick me up, when I was still scrambling to turn myself presentable. Of course today would be the day when Nick came early._

_"Just a minute!" I replied, grabbing a pair of jeans that had been starting to grow ripe on the bedroom floor and a low-cut tank top that I had grabbed out of the dryer a few minutes ago. Searching for shoes, I managed to find a pair of ballet-like shoes that I had bought weeks ago and never worn. Pulling a comb through my wavy locks, I grabbed my shoulder-slung bag._

_I clambered down the stairs and into Nick's arms, where he had been impatiently waiting at the bottom of the stairs, glancing occasionally at his watch. He pouted at me, his dark hair falling over his eyes. I blinked once and his angry expression disappeared, replaced by a happy one._

_"C'mon!" he said cheerfully, pulling me outside, "Let's go!"_

_I laughed at his eagerness, but I couldn't blame him as he pulled me into his car. He looked at me for a moment then laughed along, throwing a bag of donuts in my lap._

_"Thought you'd be hungry," he muttered as he backed out of my driveway. How sweet he had been. Now that was just a dream... But was it really that far away?_

_We rode in silence for the two minutes it took for us to get to school, and when we got there, we were early. So we sat. We sat and talked, just like we used to, before Nick had started to grow hostile. I had missed these. This was what had kept me sane when my dad had left. Always I had felt broken, as if it were my fault that he left. But people always say it wasn't._

_Finally people began to come to school, and we got out of Nick's car and walked toward the front entrance; Nick draping his arm over my shoulder. His backpack slung over one shoulder; he was the perfect image of an uncaring bad boy._

_"Hey Nick!" So many people greeted Nick that you would've thought they were all best friends. But they never were. And no one ever greeted me anymore... I was too distant with anyone for them to. (AN: Holy shit, a spider on the wall!) _

_"Nick! What's up, my man? Where were you this weekend?" Some random guy walked up to us (Well, more so Nick...) and started firing rapid fire questions at him._

_"Yo, dude, can't you see I'm with my girl right now? Man, get some manners!" Nick said in a teasing way. The random guy blushed and mumbled something before waving and walking away._

_Nick looked at me and smiled, kissing my cheek right after. He was so sweet. We walked to class together, back when we _did_ have classes together, and we sat down right next to each other... _

_Nick's birthday didn't go as badly as I thought it would. It actually went very well. I thought this was an improvement from the moring until we were at his house._

_He had been so angry that night. Apparently I had done something wrong, and he was yelling like a madman._

_"God, Cindy! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You do nothing right, and when you do, you always make it wrong by messing it up! You are such a moron! Get a fucking brain!"_

_And I had sat there the whole time, taking it all, absorbing it like a sponge. Mainly, the reason for me being smart now is all thanks to Nick, so maybe he wasn't the _biggest_ bad guy there..._

_"You bitch! Are you even listening to me?!" I suddenly looked up and saw Nick's hand zooming in on my face. The shock of it almost made me faint, but I steadied myself in time, although my cheek stung like crazy. Tears were trickling out of my eyes, slowly but surely, and I wiped them away silently, not daring to look into Nick's eyes._

_"Next time," he whispered into my ear, his breath making goosebumps suddenly appear along my neck, "You do as I say. Got it?"_

_I nodded slowly at first, but as Nick sighed angrily, I nodded faster, so fast that it felt like my head was about to fall off in a second._

_That's the start of Nick's abuse. And that's when I started dying._

_

* * *

_

As much as I loved to bring back old memories, I knew it was time for me to go. The sky had grown dark and the only noise in the building was of the nurse's shoes squeaking on the linoleum floor. And even _that_ was quiet. I knew I had to go.

As I was leaving, I gave Jimmy a kiss on the cheek and left the room, actually feeling better than I did when I had first heard the news. But that feeling was soon to disappear. As I walked into the waiting room to say good bye to the nurse who had been pretty nice to me, I heard someone talking. Someone I dreaded seeing. Someone I didn't want to think about anymore.

Someone I hated.


	20. Don't Be Scared

**Pain  
Chapter 20**

Nick. What was he doing here? There was no reason, no reason at all for him to be here. Was there? Slowly, gasping back the surprise that still lingered, I inched forward, hoping to God that no one would notice. I managed to get close to the front desk, hiding myself behind a wall.

"Well, is there any way I didn't have to stay here overnight?" I heard Nick ask, angry. I could hear the nurse mumble and papers crinkle as she looked around her desk for something. Eventually, she found it, and held it up proudly. Or at least, she _did_ before Nick glared at her.

The nurse cleared her throat before speaking, the cough a loud, unwelcomed noise in the silence. "Mr. Dean.. You're on the stable list, so you can leave for tonight, but you have to come back tomorrow at some time for a checkup."

I heard Nick sigh. "Well... _Fine_. If I have to... I'll be back here at 2 o'clock tomorrow, is that alright?"

The nurse nodded as she took a sip of coffee from an ancient mug that had been sitting next to her, a lipstick stain on one edge. Nick was growing calmer by the second, the way he usually got calmer, and he shrugged at the nurse before walking away, toward the doors. They slid open as he approached, and I quickly made my way up to the front desk.

"Excuse me," I breathed, "That guy that just left, Nick Dean? Is there any chance you could tell me why he was here?"

The old nurse looked surprised, seeing as only a few hours earlier, I had been acting like a zombie. She coughed once and opened the file again, her long, painted nails sliding smoothly against the surface.

"Hmm... Mr. Nicholas Dean was here for... He was here for a broken wrist, three hours earlier," she said quickly, clearing her throat as she paused for a moment. "He said it was because he was playing football with his friends.."

I nodded and smiled at the nurse, who looked quite tired from sitting there the whole day and answering questions. "Thank you, I appreciate the help. Well, I'll see you tomorrow."

She smiled back at me, apparently pleased that I was so polite. Well, _someone_ needed to be that way. After smiling at her again and waving goodbye, I walked out the sliding doors and into the darkness, feeling the cool air blow my hair back. I could feel the pain Jimmy was going through, for I was going through it too; my heart was still in pieces, even after mending it a thousand times. I was enjoying the peace though, something I didn't get often. Maybe if I could forget everything, even Jimmy, I could be okay for once. But memories were meant to be here. If they weren't, we'd be able to forget easily. Memories hurt.

But for some reason, I still thought of the joyful memories I had collected before I had turned fourteen. The joyful memories I had created with Jimmy. The joyful memories with Nick... How could a sweet person like him turn into someone so horrible? It was so surprising. If this was the way the world worked, I really didn't want to stay here anymore. Maybe it would be better if I left it. So many bad things had happened. Why hadn't the doctors seen the tumors before? When Jimmy was at the hospital before? Surely they had taken x-rays...

I ran into someone in the dark, and I could he was crying. His dark hair spilled over his brow and covered his eyes, a mere shadow in the night. I could see him stiffen as he pulled his arm away from me, sliding it behind his back. He lowered his head even more and backed away, turning around, then putting his arm in front of him. But I recognized him. How could I not?

Why had he not left? Why did Nick stand in the dark, crying? Why did I have so many questions? Why did I have so many _unanswered_ questions?

I could still see Nick's retreating form in the surface, his back hunched. Why was he acting so strangely? Quickly I ran, my feet pounding on the concrete. He seemed to hear this and he quickened his pace, disappearing behind a corner. I myself quickened my own pace, feeling my heart beat wildly as I ran and ran toward the corner that was becoming closer and closer. Soon, I rounded it the corner, seeing Nick disappear into an alley that was up ahead. Was he planning something? Was he luring me? Why was he heading to the alley?

But I still followed, acting like such a fool. I didn't know why I was being like this? Nick was one of two people I wanted to desperately forget, yet I was follwing him. Into an alley out of all things.

"Cindy," I heard him whisper, his voice husky from crying. "I'm sorry."

His tone of voice was still guilty though, and for a split second I thought he was going to do something in the future. But I was wrong. On two counts. From behind him came another figure, one dressed in something too dressy for this occasion. His green eyes glinted in the dim light that spilled awkwardly into the alleyway, and I stepped back in horror as I realized what Nick had meant.

He was in on it all.

"Cindy, Cindy, Cindy," my father drawled, strolling quickly toward me and pulling me further into the alley. "Have I not told you that you were naive? Have I not? You still didn't listen though, even after I told you. This is what you get for not listening, poor Cindy."

I felt my heart beat even faster as I was pulled very far into the alley. Maybe I hadn't made the best of choices. Maybe I should've just went home. Maybe I shouldn't have had some kind of fleeting hope that Nick would redeem himself.

My father sighed once and put a hand on his heart, looking at me with a sad smile. "You must grow some brains, my dearest daughter... But I wasn't that surprised when you waltzed in here like an idiot.."

I could see Nick grimacing, looking at me with watery brown eyes. If he was in on it all, why was he crying? Was he trying to get me to think he was innocent before I died? I felt my father tug me, his grip on my arm tight. I could feel the blood struggling to enter my arm, but my father's vice-like grip on it made the blood stop as it sped nearer. Soon my arm was numb, just like I was.

"Cindy," my father sighed once more, "I'm going to end your pain."

I stared at him in horror and I managed to glimpse Nick staring in horror too, and I felt a metallic taste enter my mouth. My father smiled icily as he pulled me further into the alley.

I had bitten my tongue.

"Don't be afraid, dear Cindy," he said quietly, not noticing Nick shuffling closer, "It won't hurt."

I saw my father pull out a knife from his jacket pocket, making me tremble. After all I had already been through, why must I go through this? I bit my tongue harder, feeling the warm blood flood my mouth, making me gag. But I welcomed it. I knew it would be the last time I would ever feel pain. My father was saving me.

But I was scared. No matter how much my father soothed me, I was scared. And just as I blacked out, I saw my father's hand plunge toward me, clutching his knife so hard that his knuckles were white...


	21. Betrayed By Tears

**Pain  
Chapter 21**

I saw only darkness. I saw only the pain I felt. But was it real? Was the pain real?

I woke up to a room not my own. But I recognized it. Yet I didn't run. I didn't scream in agony and run away, far away from this nightmare. I still didn't run as footsteps echoed outside the room I was in, making me shiver. I knew who it was going to be, but I didn't run. I didn't run.

The door opened slowly, a shadow fanning out on the ground before me. Then the door opened all the way, the person standing in front of me, a tray in hand. I gasped in horror then. I didn't know why, but I gasped. Why was I suddenly afraid? Was it because this person had put me through hell? Or was it the fact that I thought he would put me through hell again?

"I thought you would let me die," I said bitterly as he stood there, watching the range of emotions cross his face. I swallowed back the lump that had formed in my throat, sitting down on the bed.

"I wouldn't do that," Nick said quietly, setting down the tray before approaching me. I inched back, thinking horrible thoughts. But he stopped before he was next to me. He just stopped and stood.

"I wouldn't do that," he repeated, his eyes lowering to the ground. Of course. After two years of verbal, physical, and emotional abuse, he picked now to become a gentleman. Yeah, right.

"Why?" I asked, knowing my question was cryptic.

He shrugged and crossed his arms across his chest, biting his inside of his cheek. "I didn't want you to die."

"Sure," I snorted, rolling my eyes. Then I froze, afraid of what he could do to me. But he didn't do anything. He just stood there. Worried.

"I'm sorry, Cindy," he said, a frown on his face. I studied his expression for a moment before looking at his wrist. Who had done that? It couldn't be like he said... He never got hurt while playing football. Never.

"Sorry?" I scoffed, "Sorry? After all that time of putting me through that pain, you expect me to just forget about it and welcome you back with open arms? Well, I won't! Because I'll never forget! I'll never forget all those slaps, those punches! I'll never forget the girls you made out with in front of me, knowing I won't do anything about it! I won't forget about how you treated me like crap, then using me! Because I'll never forget anything! And I'll always hate you!"

He cringed then, his brown eyes leaking a few tears. His own eyes had betrayed him. I laughed, thinking of the image Nick had worked so hard to create. It was all destroyed by a couple of tears.

"I'm sorry," he repeated, lowering his gaze even more. But his head could only go so far before stopping. I sighed. He sighed. "I really am."

"Why should I forgive you?" I snapped, anger replacing fear. Nick looked up and bit the inside of his cheek again, then biting his bottom lip.

"Because I... I didn't want to." His message was rather confusing, and I looked at him in silence, waiting for an explanation. It didn't come.

"I want to know why anyone should forgive you for doing something like that! I want to know! Was it because you were high? Was it because you were drunk? Or was it because you didn't care about me?" I bit my bottom lip and stared, waiting once more. This time he spoke.

"I did care. I do care," he said, a tear sliding down his tan cheek, "I was insecure. I still am."

"Insecure?" I asked softly, "What do you mean?"

I waited for something among the lines of 'I didn't know if you really loved me' or 'I needed to prove to myself that I was strong enough', but maybe I expected Nick to be some insensitive jock who cared about no one but himself.

"I wanted to prove that I wasn't like my dad," he blurted, his face growing red. Was this really what he meant to say? Or had he meant to say something else? Judging from the look that plagued his face, I was guessing it was because he said something wrong...

"I didn't want to become what I _did_ become. But I didn't do it right... I was so stupid! I was supposed to be loving and caring and not abusive at all! But I confused myself! I thought... I thought I was doing the right thing!" he gasped, more tears leaking down his face. "I was stupid! I was stupid! I wasn't supposed to be like that! I wasn't supposed to be like that!"

And slowly, the image that I had created of him deteriorated. Why was he being like this? He was supposed to be a jerk and make me feel like I was right! He was supposed to try and take advantage of me again and give me a reason to cut of his cajones! But why was he being like this?

"I'm sorry!" he wailed, finally crumpling into a heap before my feet. "I'm sorry, Cindy! I didn't mean to! I know there's no reason for me to ever want you to love me again, if you ever did, but I want you to love me! I'm so sorry! I didn't... I didn't want to let you feel like shit, I didn't want you to feel like there's no reason for living... I wanted us to be happy... But I ruined it. I ruined it all, didn't I?"

I couldn't help but nod as he looked up at me with teary eyes, a hand wiping away his tears. "I might never love you again," I said quietly, standing up and walking to his door.

But before I left, I turned around and stared into his wide, brown eyes.

"I may never love anyone again."

With that I left his room, his house, never looking back behind me. I couldn't wait for it all to be over... I was glad he felt like shit now. About time. But had he really meant all those things back there? And what was with not becoming what his dad was...

Realization hit me.

His dad was abusive. What was with this? Why were all the dad's in Retroville becoming abusive? First my dad. Then Jimmy's dad. Now Nick's dad? It's as if they were all in on it or something. It was as if they were in a club! Were they?

"Cindy!" I turned around and saw Nick run after me and I stopped, troubled. Why was he running toward me so desperately? When he caught up to me he stopped, gasping for air.

"Don't go home," he said, clutching his chest. "Please."

I bit my lip and surveryed his disheveled appearance. Why was he acting like this all of a sudden? Why did he care?

"Okay," I promised, thinking I was crazy for listening to him. But maybe it was best if I did. Was it? Now I was confusing myself, making odd thoughts plague my mind. What was going on? Why was I so confused?

"Cindy," he said, grabbing my arm as I was turning around, "I'm sorry. Don't forget that either."

How could I? It was making me crazy. I wanted to know if he was telling the truth. Was he? It was as if God was tormenting me, him being the guy with a match, and me being a girl covered in gasoline. It was as if he was deciding between lighting me on fire or making me worry myself until I died.

"I won't. If you never forget that _I'll_ never forget," I said quietly, watching him as his face contorted into an expression of sadness. Why did he even care if I said anything like this? Why was he being thoughtful again?

"I'm sorry," he said, one more time, releasing my arm and making me wonder if maybe I should forgive him. Should I? Maybe I should. I had nowhere to go... Now that Libby had betrayed me, and Jimmy had been shoved into the hospital, I had nowhere to go. And Sheen... I couldn't go to his house either.. I had broken his heart. Had I? But by not forgiving Nick, I was breaking _his_ heart. But by forgiving Nick, I would be breaking _Jimmy's_ heart.

This was too confusing.

"Okay, okay!" I said in frustration, throwing my hands up into the air in defeat. "I forgive you!"

Nick turned around suddenly, confusion littering his face. "What?"

"I said I forgive you," I said gruffly, pouting. Arguing with myself wasn't all that fun, regardless of what people thought. I knew Nick was having a hard time accepting this, even though this was what he wanted. Was it?

"Thank you," he said in disbelief, taking my hand in his. "Thank you."

With his brown eyes staring into my green eyes, I could feel a spark relighting between us. But I was reluctant to let it flame another relationship.

"Just because I forgive you, doesn't mean I'll love you," I snapped, feeling his gaze snap, shocked. "I need a place to stay."

My roughness didn't seem to affect him for that long, and I almost smiled as he pulled me back into his house. Had I made a good choice?

Or was it going to get me killed?


	22. Maybe

**Pain  
Chapter 22**

Thoughts of Nick and I before he had become abusive plagued my head. I was thinking of how sweet he had been.. Now he was being sweet again. Was the universe telling me I need him? I mean, first my dad is abusive, then it's Nick, then Jimmy's in my life, and then Jimmy's in the hospital, and now Nick's nice. Kind of too close to a miracle for me to be comfortable...

"So what did you do to him?" I asked when we had gotten back to the house. "What did you do to stop him from killing me?"

Nick sat down heavily on his desk chair, groaning. I glanced at him after that, noticing that he looked kind of green. A sallow green. He shook his head and took off his jacket, fanning himself with his hand.

"Please don't make me think about that again," he whispered, grabbing a sandwich off the tray he had brought in earlier. "I don't want to think about it..."

I was growing curious. Why was he shielding this from me? Had he killed my father? Had he hurt him so badly he was in the hospital? In the hospital?! That's where Jimmy was!

"Did you kill him or hurt him?" I demanded, standing up and strolling to where he was sitting. I didn't know why, but thoughts of my father being harmed brought anger into my mind. Why did I still care about that bastard?

Nick shook his head vigorously, biting off the piece of cold peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He swallowed, a big lump forming in his throat. Nick coughed and snatched a glass of milk off the tray and chugged it down, gasping for air after he was finished. Soon he was looking back at me nervously.

"I didn't kill him," he muttered, "Don't worry."

I shook my head. I really wouldn't have cared if he hurt my dad. Would I? I didn't think I would... But I had acted so harshly when he had refused to tell me what he had done... And he still hadn't answered the question.

"So what _did_ you do?" I asked skeptically, falling onto the bed. He shrugged and bit the inside of his cheek, looking down at the ground.

"I kind of hit him really hard in the back of the head with a brick," he said slowly, his voice barely above a whisper. "I didn't mean to. It was instinct."

"What?!" I screamed, even after his apology. "How could you do that?!"

He bit his lip and stared at me in surprise and worry, and I suddenly noticed the dark purple circles under his eyes. Maybe I was being too hard on him; he _did_ save my life after all... I sighed and slumped on the bed, staring up at the cracked, tan ceiling.

"It's okay. I overreacted." I sat up again and studied him once more. His hair looked lank and greasy; his face was pale; and his eyes were bloodshot. What was with him?

"What's wrong, Nick?" I asked, standing up and kneeling in front of him. "You seem really messed up.."

He looked up with a tear sliding down his cheek, a finger rubbing the cast on his arm. Then he bit his lip, staring behind me into space. He blinked.

"It's nothing," he sighed, licking his dry, cracked lips. I placed my hand in his, then lifted his head.

"It can't be nothing," I stated matter of factly, "You look like shit."

He laughed at this, a smile forming on his face. I had made him laugh. Good sign? Nick sighed once more and looked down at my hand caressing his, biting his lip.

"You're right. It's not nothing. It's something alright," he whispered, starign into my eyes. I could feel the sudden heat of my cheeks as he continued staring, and I broke my gaze, looking away for a moment. Then I studied his face even more, staring at his unshaved chin; his pockmarked cheeks. I sighed and wished he wasn't being so difficult. I wondered why at that moment, placing my other hand, which wasn't holding his own, on his knee. I sighed.

"What is it?" I whispered, rubbing his hand. "You can tell me."

Could he? I mean, he had broken my trust, but was his trust in me still fully intact? I hoped so. Whatever was making him like this wasn't good. Not at all.

"It's..." I noticed that his eyes were darting back and forth, his cheeks suddenly appearing greener. What was his problem? Why was he so afraid? Of what?

"It's my dad," he finally whispered. Of course. Why hadn't I thought of that? Of course.

Suddenly footsteps were pounding outside, and Nick glanced at me, his eyes darting back and forth. "Quick! Hide!"

I stumbled up and let go of his hand, sprinting toward his closet. When I had barely gotten inside, the door to Nick's room burst open, and I gasped. The man standing there was large. Very large. Big enough to be a football player. And he had a beard. A short one though. His hair was disheveled; long and brown, and I could see streaks of gray in it. His plaid work shirt was untucked, and his pants were ragged and dirty. In his hand he held a paper. He was clutching it so tight that it had become crinkled...

"What the fuck is this?!" he roared, and I could see the spit fly out of his mouth and land on Nick's cheek. He didn't wipe it away.

"Why the fuck do you keep failing these classes you stupid fuck?!" continued Nick's father, his face red and a vein popping out on his forehead. I could see Nick as he stared at the wall behind his dad.

"You idiot! Get some good grades for a change so that you won't end up like me! Dammit! How could I end up with a stupid fuck like you?!"

I could see as Nick cowered inside his mind. He was struggling not to burst out in tears, struggling to keep his anger in control. I could see it all. But Nick was used to it by now, I guess. How could I know? Well, I'd gone through the same thing. And I had done exactly the same thing.

"You stupid fuck!" Nick's dad said as a conclusion. Then he smacked Nick in the head hard enough to make Nick fall. He fell without a sound, except for the dull thud of his body as it made contact with the ground. I could see Nick as he tried not to cry.

Nick's dad was continuing his rampage of anger. Soon he was kicking him in the ribs, and making Nick finally cringe so that he could get the satisfaction he so enjoyed. I could see it all. I could understand who was who. I was Nick and his dad was my dad. I knew how it felt. And it hurt.

Why did it hurt though? Why did it hurt for me to see Nick being abused like that?

"Stupid fuck! Maybe next time you'll learn to actually do something! I could care less if you cheat, just get some good grades you stupid fuck!"

Nick was trembling as his father gave him a final kick in the ribs. Then he left the room. I rushed out from my hiding place, running to Nick's side. I grabbed his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze before moving aside his bangs so I could see if he was awake. He was.

"Hey," I breathed, suddenly feeling tears overcome me. They blurred my vision, and I could hardly see anything as Nick lay there. He was just laying there. "You going to be okay?"

He nodded slowly, and I could see that, since my tears had long ago fallen. I smiled nervously. I wanted to let him know something. But I couldn't. To do that would hurt me, and me only. But I wanted so badly for him to know. So badly.

"It's going to be okay," I whispered, brushing away his bangs as hey slid back down. "It's going to be okay."

He smiled back, a bruise slowly forming on the side of his face. "I know. It'll be okay if you're here. Even if you don't love me, I just want you here."

And I knew why. I knew why it hurt. And it still hurt. I had always known. Always, in the back of my heart, my mind, I had always know. But he couldn't know. Never. Never could he know.

"Please promise me that you'll be here. Please? I don't want you to love me; I just want you there," he whispered. I felt so horrible. I felt so disgusted with myself. But I couldn't let it show. He loved me. He had always loved me. And I had never known.

But I had known one thing; I loved him.


	23. Don't Want To be Trapped

**Pain  
Chapter 23**

I feel my breath catch in my throat as Nick whispers my name when he climbs into his bed. I feel so horrible, yet I don't know why. I rush to Nick and help him cover himself up with a couple blankets, and I tuck a stray hair away from his face. I hope he'll be okay.

"Nick," I whisper, "Is it really bad?"

He's slow to answer and I really fear for his life. I wish his dad hadn't hurt him so..

"I'm not dead yet, am I?" he asks sarcastically. I don't know why, but a sudden thought pops into my head; I had always assumed him to be an idiot. I had never heard him being sarcastic, let alone know he knew what sarcastic meant.

"No," I breathe, "You're not."

I sit down heavily on the bed next to him, wincing as it creaks loudly. Nick coughs before he closes his eyes.

"It's okay, he won't hear. He's probably already passed out in front of the TV anyway," he mutters. There's a dark purple bruise forming underneath his left eye and I feel tears prickling the back of my eyes and I will them away. I can't cry. He can't see me cry.

I wish I had never realized that I loved him. It made it all the worse for me when I tried to distance myself from him. Besides, I loved Jimmy. Right?

"Cindy," he gasps quietly, "Talk. Please? I don't care what you talk about.. Can you please talk instead of being so silent like that?"

I clench my hands into fists by my side and bite my bottom lip. Why was it so hard for me to stop thinking about Nick? About Jimmy?

"_The winter loneliness flies by,  
When I think of your eyes,  
It hurts to breathe your name,  
Because I know it'll never be the same._

_I want so badly for you to know,  
That everywhere, or wherever I go,  
I will want you there,  
Everywhere._

_Spring is nothing to me,  
Only you bring weakness to my knees,  
Flowers have lost all meaning,  
For you, only for you, am I pleading._

_Summer has become hell,  
To heal, only time will tell,  
I melt like ice at your gaze,  
As I drift through this lonely haze._

_At fall, I fall for you,  
And I don't know what to do,  
Will you catch me or is this only me,  
I want so badly, so badly for you to see._

_Back again to winter, here I am,  
Do you want me to do what I can?  
Too late, for I have given up on you,  
And I'm sure you've given up on me too._"

As I finish reciting the poem, I open my eyes. Nick is staring at me and I blush. My hands unclench, then clench again as his gaze penetrates my already weakened mind.

"Who wrote that?" he asks, sitting up. His hair falls down again and I fight the urge to brush it away.

"Anonymous person. I read it in this book I borrowed from the library a couple of months ago." I can feel my breathing return to normal as Nick shrugs and returns his gaze to the inside of his eyelids. I sigh before relaxing.

"What are you thinking about?" he asks. I bite my lip before glancing at him.

"I'm trying not to think actually," I whisper. He nods and clutches a pillow to his chest. He winces as I tenderly stroke his face.

"It hurts a lot doesn't it?" I really do want to know. If he's hurting, we have to get to the hospital. Nick shakes his head and opens his eyes again.

"It hurts, but not too much. I'm used to it, Cin'. Don't worry."

No one else but Jimmy had called me Cin'. I wonder if maybe a part of Jimmy had already made its way to Nick. Wouldn't that imply that Jimmy was dead? Or dying? Surely not. My mind is simply playing tricks on me! But I'm not sure. I don't want to be sure. Of what? Of the fact that maybe I might be in love with the guy who has been beating me silly for an year?

"Nick," I say, my heart aching. For some reason it was a physical pain...

He looks at me quizzically and I bite my lip, unsure of what to say. Maybe I should tell him that I loved him? Or should I tell him to say goodbye for the last time?

"How did my dad get you to lure me to the alley?" I wasn't expecting that. Although it was me, I still was totally surprised to hear myself say that. To ask that.

"He threatened," Nick wheezes, "He threatened to hurt me and everyone else that I knew."

I frowned. My father was truly evil. The only thing Nick and everyone else didn't know was the fact that my father was clinically insane. Maybe they need to know that.. We sat in silence...

"So was it really some anonymous person, or..." Nick trailed off into nothing and I stared at him. He stares back at me with a slight smile and then closed his eyes.

"It was me," I say slowly, clenching my hands against my side. "I wrote it."

Nick opens his eyes again and winks. "I could tell."

It was amazing how charming he could still be after all that had happened to him, after all he had done to me... And he could tell? How? He had never read any of my poems, never saw my drawings.. He was never involved in my life, except for the secret life we had together.. The life I didn't ever want again.

It's a trap. I don't want to be trapped. Everybody's so keen on trapping me here so they can _use_ me... I don't want to be used. I will never allow that to happen again... Never.

"Sorry, Nick, I have to go," I breathe quickly, standing up and walking toward the window. "I'll just.."

He stares at me in disbelief. I'm leaving. He probably hadn't been expecting that...

"I'm really sorry, Nick. But I won't... I can't let anyone trap me again. No more."

He nods after a minute, and I'm almost tempted to smile, but I bite my lip and open the window, stepping onto the damp ground outside. Turning back toward Nick, I see a lone tear trailing down his face. I feel my heart ache and I close my eyes for just a second, willing myself to not go back. I had never known I had willpower.

"Goodbye," I whisper, lifting my hand weakly. He nods again before turning over onto his side, turning away from me. I bite my lip harder and then close the window.

I can't let anyone trap me.


	24. Stay On The Ground

**Pain  
Chapter 24**

I'm outside. I'm walking. I'm lost.

Not literally. I know exactly where I am, exactly where I've been and exactly where I'm going. But I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix anything. Can anything be fixed? I'm so lost.

I don't know what to do. Where to go. Where I'll ever be again.

I need help. Who would I go to though? I have nowhere to be. Nowhere to go. No one to rely on. How will I go on? There _has_ to be a light at the end of the tunnel. There _has_ to be. Even if it's an oncoming train.

I really hope to God it's not, though.

Maybe if I just kept on walking, maybe if I didn't look where I was going, I'd end up somewhere without complications: somewhere without pain. However reckless that plan was, it was the only one I had. Should I? Should I not? It was smarter to think a little bit more before risking my life. For all I know someone could kidnap me in a minute and rape me and kill me. But was that a risk I was willing to take?

I think this is for the best. I think I should just start over. Just go somewhere where no one knows me. Somewhere where no one can find me. Somewhere where I'm just Cindy. Not Silent Cindy, not Bitch Cindy, not Freak Cindy, but just... Cindy.

Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll just go somewhere.

"Goodbye, Retroville. Goodbye forever," I whispered with a smile, walking slowly toward the bus stop...

* * *

**A/N: That's the end, but I might write an epilogue or a sequel. Most likely it'll just be the sequel. Anyways... Here's an excerpt from a song I like:**

**"Stay On The Ground"  
By: Armor For Sleep**

_Holding your head up,  
is hard when you just want,  
to stay on the ground,  
to stay on the ground,  
to stay on the ground..._


End file.
